During a recent leadership coaching session, one of my clients, a highly capable, intelligent woman new to a management role—shared something powerful.

When I asked what her biggest roadblock was to feeling confident as a leader, she said:

“I always doubt myself. I worry that I don’t make good decisions.”

That statement stopped us both in our tracks.

Decision-making is at the heart of leadership. Yet when self-doubt takes over, hesitation creates confusion, delays action, and builds anxiety. Over time, it can even erode trust—both in yourself and from your team.

I followed up by asking, “How long have you felt this way about your decision-making?”

​Without hesitation, she replied, “My whole life”.

Language patterns, especially the negative ones we repeat often reveal the root cause of our most persistent challenges.

“The words we use to describe our fears often reflect our deeper inherited belief system.” —Mark Wolynn, Inherited Family Trauma

​When we explored deeper, my client’s language uncovered a core limiting belief around decision-making. One likely shaped by past experiences or subtle messaging that said:

• “I can’t trust myself to make good decisions.”
• “If I make a wrong decision, I’ll be judged or seen as a failure.”
• “I feel pressure when I have to make decisions.”

This belief had quietly sabotaged her leadership confidence for years. It created hesitation, second-guessing, and kept her from showing up as the decisive, grounded leader she truly was.

And here’s the truth — this limiting belief is incredibly common among high-achieving women.

From my experience as a mindset and confidence coach, I often see how past mistakes, criticism, or even the opinions of others plant seeds of self-doubt that undermine leadership capability for years—sometimes decades.

Over time, that seed becomes a core belief that shapes identity:

“I can’t trust myself. I don’t make good decisions.”

A lack of self-trust doesn’t just affect your confidence, it influences every decision you make as a leader. It fuels hesitation, delays, and reliance on external validation. Slowly, it chips away at your authority and your team’s trust in your leadership.

But here’s what I want every woman in leadership (or aspiring to be) to know:

👉🏼 Making good decisions isn’t a gift. It’s a skill.

And like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and strengthened—with the right mindset, awareness, and tools.

In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), we understand that your core beliefs shape your behaviors. If you believe you’re not good at making decisions:
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• Your brain unconsciously looks for evidence to reinforce that belief
• You hesitate, overthink, and delay action
• You convince yourself you need more research or more experience before acting.
• You seek unnecessary validation from others, adding to the confusion.
• And you unknowingly prove that belief true—again and again

But when you reframe the belief to something empowering “I am learning to make strong, aligned decisions with confidence” everything begins to shift.

When a leader is indecisive, it ripples through the team. Projects stall. Communication breaks down. Trust weakens.
But when a leader steps into certainty and self-trust—even when the path isn’t perfect, it builds momentum. It inspires confidence in others. It models resilience and accountability.
That’s why reframing limiting beliefs around decision-making isn’t just about you, it’s about everyone who looks to you for guidance and vision.

1. Get Clear on What Success Looks Like for You and Your Team

Many poor decisions come from a lack of clarity about what success truly means. As a leader, it’s not just about what you want. It’s about creating a shared definition your team can rally behind.

Ask yourself:

• What outcome do we truly want to achieve as a team?
• How does this decision align with our values and bigger objectives?
• If fear of judgment wasn’t a factor, what would be the most impactful choice?

When clarity and communication are strong, your team moves forward with alignment and confidence.

2. Separate Emotion from Evidence
First, calm your emotions. When fear, pressure, or anxiety are high, your nervous system hijacks rational thinking.

Step away. Take a few deep breaths or a short walk. A calm body creates a clear mind.
Then try this NLP reframe:

Think of a mentor or wise woman you admire—someone grounded and calm under pressure. Step into her shoes.
Ask:

• How would she see this situation?
• What decision would she make if she were in my place?

When you shift perspective and regulate your emotions, clarity returns and the best path forward becomes obvious.

3. Write a Pro/Con List But Make It Strategic

This isn’t just about listing positives and negatives. As a leader, your choices impact people, culture, and outcomes.

For each option, ask:

• What are the short- and long-term benefits or risks?
• How will this impact my team, values, and overall goals?
• Which choice aligns best with our strategic direction?

This process blends logic and intuition—two essential leadership tools for confident decision-making.

4. Weigh All Options (Even the Uncomfortable Ones)

Sometimes the best decision is the one you’re avoiding. It might involve confrontation, change, or saying no and that’s okay.

Ask yourself:

“What option would I consider if I knew I couldn’t fail?”

Exploring discomfort builds courage. Great leaders make aligned decisions, even when the answer feels risky.

5. Consider the People Impacted

Strong leadership decisions are made in context. They take into account the people affected - your team, clients, or community.

Ask:

• What matters most to those impacted by this decision?
• How can I align my choice with their priorities without compromising my own values?

​This is emotional intelligence in action—the foundation of trust and sustainable leadership.

Here’s what I told my client at the end of our session:

“You’ve already made countless good decisions. You just haven’t always stopped to celebrate them. Every time you trust yourself and act with clarity, that old belief ‘I don’t make good decisions’ loses its grip.”

Leadership isn’t about never making mistakes. It’s about learning to trust yourself through the process.

You’re allowed to learn as you go. You’re allowed to get it wrong. That doesn’t make you a poor decision-maker—it makes you a growing leader.

When you build self-trust, you not only make stronger decisions - you model confidence, courage, and resilience for everyone who looks to you for guidance.
​

Do you ever lie awake at night thinking, my job’s driving me crazy? Or fantasize about quitting, even if you have no idea what you’d do instead?
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If you've been in corporate middle management-land for some time, you might feel frustrated with your role, your boss, the team, and most likely the workload(!). Or you’re no longer disillusioned about the company culture.

But what if the real reason isn’t the actually the job at all that is causing you all this frustration and resentment?

What if you’re simply out of alignment with your core values?

Most women don’t realize how much our stress, confusion, anxiety, and inner conflict can stem from values misalignment.

We often chalk our feelings of discontent up to being “too busy” or in a tough season at work for (xyz) reasons. But when your work environment or role conflicts with what matters most to you on a  deeper level, it creates a subtle, constant tension that drains you… day after day.

Your values are your personal guiding principles. They're not goals or aspirations. They’re the foundation of what truly matters MOST to you, personally and professionally.
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Values might include the importance you place on integrity, creativity, collaboration, freedom, security, growth, fairness, service, achievement, family, or work-life balance.

​When you know your core values and live (and work) in alignment with them, you’ll find:

1. Decision-making becomes easier
2. Boundaries become stronger and clearer
3. You feel more fulfilled and purposeful
4. Work feels energizing (even when it’s challenging)

On the flip side, when even just one core value is out of alignment, the opposite happens:

1. Confusion and stress rise
2. Boundaries weaken and you might overcommit or come to resent colleagues
3. Work drains you and can feel meaningless
4. Anxiety or frustration lingers without clear reasons

This isn’t just “having a bad week”, it’s a chronic, systemic misfit between who you are and how you’re being asked to show up at work.

If you’re wondering whether this applies to you, ask yourself:

• Do I constantly feel exhausted or resentful even when I get enough rest?
• Do I feel pressured to act in ways that don’t feel authentic?
• Do I feel overlooked, undervalued, or unheard?
• Have I lost sight of why I do this work in the first place?

Values misalignment doesn’t always mean you’re in the wrong profession or industry.

​Sometimes it’s about the organization’s culture, the leadership style, or a role that no longer feels like a fit. It might be directives from the CEO or senior leadership that don’t sit well with you or growing unrest within your team that signals deeper issues.

For example:

• You deeply value collaboration, but work in a hyper-competitive environment where colleagues undermine each other all the time
• You value fairness but see policies or decisions that feel inequitable
• You value family or balance but are rewarded only for overworking and being constantly available
• You value creativity but your role is highly bureaucratic with no room to innovate
• You value integrity but witness leaders bending the truth, overlooking unethical behavior, or prioritizing results over doing what’s right

​These are not small annoyances… they’re signals. Over time, ignoring them leaves you feeling unfulfilled and disconnected, which can lead to disengagement, burnout, or even physical symptoms of chronic stress.

Have you ever left a job because of culture, leadership, or workload? Thinking you’d found the answer in a new company, and then realised the new role came with the SAME problems you were trying to escape?!

When women in corporate roles hit a breaking point, they often think, I just need a new job!

We want to believe there’s a greener pasture out there. A place where we’ll feel valued, supported, and inspired again.

But if you don’t know your core professional values, you risk jumping into another role that MIRRORS the same misalignment.

Then the cycle repeats, because your mind is focused on escaping the current “pain” instead of identifying what truly needs to change. It’s extremely easy to fall back into familiar patterns, even when they no longer serve you.

That’s why the first step isn’t immediately quitting and sending out CV’s, it’s getting clear on your core values and focusing on what you truly need to feel fulfilled, supported, and motivated at work.
​
When you know what truly matters to you, you can:

• Advocate for changes in your current role
• Have a better understanding of why some work relationships feel strained or hard to navigate
• Set better boundaries with your time and energy
• Reconnect to what gives your work meaning
• Assess future opportunities with more clarity

​Even small shifts can help realign you with your values, reducing stress and increasing your sense of purpose.

In coaching, we help you to identify your top 5 core professional values, through a values elicitation process based on an NLP coaching framework.
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If three out of five of those core professional values are out of alignment at work, you’re still showing up and doing the job BUT you’re doing it while feeling increasingly unhappy, frustrated and disengaged.

When four out of five values are out of alignment, you’re usually already one foot out the door OR even thinking about quitting tomorrow without another job lined up, just to escape.

On the flip side, when you’re in strong values alignment with four or five of your top values being met, you'll experience a clear sense of purpose, greater satisfaction, and real fulfilment in the work you do. Even if the job is demanding in a fast paced stressful environment.

It’s also important to say that if just one or two of your core values are out of alignment, you'll usually keep going working there without too much distress. You’re able to do the job and move forward, often staying hopeful that things will change or even brainstorming ways you might create that shift yourself.

Perhaps my main message is to be aware, a nagging frustration or continued restlessness may serve as a clue something’s off beneath the surface.

• Gallup’s State of the Global Workplace consistently shows that employees who see their values reflected in their organization are significantly more engaged
• Studies show that when our personal and professional values don’t match those of our role or organization (what psychologists call 'person-organization fit'), job satisfaction drops and turnover intentions rise sharply

If you suspect there could be a values misalignment with your work festering behind your dissatisfaction, here are a few  journal questions to help you reflect:

1. What parts of my work day consistently drains or frustrates me? Why?
2. When was the last time I felt I had to compromise my principles at work? What is something that I value that could have been violated in this situation?
3. What are the most important things to me in my work environment?
4. How much am I living and working in alignment with these values today?

Before you blame your job, the company or industry entirely (or plan an exit strategy!), give yourself permission to explore whether it’s the job you resent - or a values misalignment that’s making it unbearable.

Aligning your work directly with your values isn’t always easy, but it’s the surest path to greater fulfilment, clarity, and your overall well-being.

​When you understand what truly matters to you at work, you can make intentional choices about where you work, how you work, and how you want to lead in your life and career.

-Janel 

The holiday season can be a time of joy—but also a source of stress for many professional women managing demanding careers and family commitments.

Navigating holiday dynamics, whether at work or home, often brings pressure to meet expectations, resolve conflicts, and maintain harmony.

However, what I've come to realise is that learning how to set clear boundaries CAN transform this experience!

By managing your time and energy wisely (spending less time with people that drain you!) you can reduce stress, increase emotional resilience, and create space for meaningful experiences and more peaceful in your life.

Setting boundaries isn’t about saying "no" to everything; it’s about saying "yes" to what aligns with your values, energy, and well-being. When you honor your own limits, you can show up more present and engaged in the moments that matter most.

I used to fall into the trap of doing everything for everyone. I was the problem solver and caretaker of my family, as many women are. But without boundaries at this time of year I would be an anxious mess in the weeks leading up to Christmas, my memories of past Christmases that didnt live up to my expectations playing on repeat - affecting my sleep, energy and mood. 

What I've learned is that boundaries aren't about being closed off—they're about protecting your well-being so you can show up at your best, personally and professionally. They'll help you to conserve your time, energy, and mental well-being—allowing you to feel more grounded.

The holiday season is notorious for its demands—extra events, financial pressures, emotional family dynamics, and the endless search for the perfect gift. When you don’t set boundaries, you risk spreading yourself too thin, leaving little room for the things that truly matter.

​1. Prioritize Your Time and Energy
 
It’s impossible to be everywhere and do everything FOR EVERYONE—so don’t try! Instead, decide what’s truly important to you this season. Is it family movie nights? Baking cookies with your kids? Or maybe just some quiet mornings to recharge?

• Action Tip: Make a list of your holiday “must-haves” and focus on these. Anything that doesn’t align with your priorities can be politely declined.

 
2. Communicate Expectations Clearly (and Kindly!)

Last week I wrote about the art of saying “no”! Setting boundaries requires open and honest communication with the people in your life. 

• Action Tip: Whether it’s your boss, family, or friends, clearly articulate what you can and cannot commit to this season. AND what expectations you have, OR behaviour you will or will not allow.

To Family:
“I’m excited to celebrate together, but I can’t host all of Christmas lunch this year. I would appreciate if everyone can contribute (either a dish, or cash towards food etc).”

To Friends:
“I’d love to join the holiday party, but I can only stay for a couple of hours due to other commitments.”

To Your Boss:
“I’m happy to wrap up key projects before the holidays, but I won’t be available after December 23rd as I’ll be offline spending time with my family.”

Setting a Behavior Boundary:
“I understand you have a lot to say about (x topic), but I won’t engage in conversations that feel disrespectful or critical. Please, let's keep it positive and supportive, otherwise I'm tapping out.”

3. Protect Your Mental and Emotional Energy
 
As you know, family gatherings can bring joy—but also drama. It’s okay to limit your time with individuals who drain your energy or create tension.

• Action Tip: Plan visits for shorter durations or choose neutral venues where you feel more at ease. If the conversation takes a negative turn, excuse yourself for a moment, get outside take a few deep breaths and some time to reset.

 
4. Follow Through with Consistency

Here's the reason why setting boundaries feels so hard, we KNOW that not everyone is going to like your boundaries. People may give you a snarky reply or talk behind your back. At the end of the day though, if they can't respect you and your wishes - then how much air time do they really deserve?? (yes, even if they are FAMILY!)

• Action Tip: Be consistent in your message and direct to the point, no need to over explain. Some people may push back, they may not reply, or could try you  again. Remember their reaction isn't your responsibility. 

No one else is going to be looking for ways to bring you more peace. Only you can do that. Now, it may take some uncomfortable conversations and a little practice at following through. But, you are ALWAYS worth it!  

​Have you ever found yourself wishing that someone in your life would change, thinking it would make everything so much better?
​
Many women experience stress, mental and emotional strain as a direct result of the other people's behaviours and actions. 
 
"IF ONLY he/she would do THIS, then everything would be OK!"

• Stop drinking or smoking
• Save more money
• Looked after their health
• Got a new job with less stress
• Fixed their (XYZ).
• Listened to me more!

 
If they would just make "this change" then our life would greatly improve, and I could stop worrying. I know, how amazing would it be if the people we cared about would do what we want them to all the time!!

​No matter how much you want it for them or love them, what you say or do for them... only they can DECIDE to make changes in their life.

You cannot control their choices or outcomes. And all that pushing will ultimately cause you more resentment, heartache, stress and pain. 

Which I know is a super hard to hear. I've been there too.

I have multiple people in my life today I would LOVE to see change their ways - but a decade of trying to change them broke me and I had to learn to let it go.
​
I've also seen this frustration in a few of my past coaching clients' relationships. Where women who have journeyed on the path of self-discovery for themsleves now want the same for their partner, sibling, child, or partent. However, in attempting to push them to "see the light" and change their habits and behaviours, they've ended up causing themselves angst.

​Perhaps even a catalyst, by showing them what is possible. The decision for someone to change their life has to be their own, otherwise the transormation may be fleeting or won't stick long term. 

If you can't walk the path for them, what can you do?

Continue to focus on your own personal growth and well-being. Be the light in their life. From my experience it takes patience, but in time you may notice small shifts and improvements both in your life and theirs.

Here are 5 actions you can take:

1. Accept what is: Acceptance and understanding will always help to remove the negative charge, or feelings within you. Start by reflecting on your own feelings and expectations. Accept that you can't control another person's actions or decisions. Embrace the reality that people will continue to make their own choices.
   
2. Communicate your needs: Engage in open and honest communication with the person in question. Share your thoughts and feelings, but do so without trying to force them to change. Instead, aim to understand each other better and find a common ground and let them know what you need in the relationship.
   
3. Set boundaries: Establish clear healthy boundaries that protect your well-being and values. These boundaries are life fences that keep out the the energy and behavior you will not allow into your space. Rather than trying to make the other person change you may have to change what you can control a) how much time you spend with them b) when and where you will spend time with them c) topics you will or will not talk about etc.
   
4. Lead by example: Be the change you want them to see. Demonstrate the behaviors and values you believe in. Sometimes, your actions can inspire others to become "willing" to change
   
5. Prioritise yourself: Focus on taking care of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically. Seek support from friends, family, a coach or therapist if needed. Your well-being should be a top priority, regardless of whether someone else changes or not.
   

Remember, while you can't necessarily change someone else, you have the power to change yourself and influence the dynamics of your relationships through your own actions and choices.

​

​About the Author: Janel Briggs is a NLP and Timeline Therapy Practitioner on a mission to support women across Australia and Singapore in overcoming their professional anxieties, imposter syndrome, fears and insecurities to build unwavering confidence and self-belief. Mindset Coaching is about learning how to  become fearless and level up your life and career! Connect with Janel on social media via Linkedin or Instagram.

We've all faced moments when emotions surge within us like an angry storm. Emotional outbursts, fiery and fierce in intensity take centre stage and knocks us off our center. Defensive barriers go up, words are said, and actions are taken that don't always leave us feeling good.

What I've learned is that most of the time, it's not really about "the thing" that triggered the angry storm... is it? 

• It's not really about the coffee cup and dirty dishes someone left in the sink
• It's not really about the changes at work, or your boss favouring someone else at review time
• It's not really about the family member's comment or opinion at the last catch up

Although those things are super ANNOYING ... they are just the tip of the iceberg, aren't they?

It's MORE THAN that "one thing" presenting itself... it goes deeper than that.

As a Mindset Coach it's my role to help YOU understand what is laying underneath those icy waters at the base of the iceberg.

Where the anger is in fact fueling from.

Anger itself is largely perceived as a secondary emotion that shows up when we feel we need to defend ourselves.

Most often, it's about OUR NEEDS.

What the anger is usually saying is ... when X happens (at home, work, in this relationship) I don't feel:
valued.
loved.
appreciated.
included.
understood.
seen.
heard.
special.

Am I right??

​LEARNING TO RELEASE & PROCESS  ANGER.

Internalised anger and resentment acts like poison in the body, and  will eventually end up festering and eating away  at the container it is in.

The anger held deep down inside, has to come out sometime. It won't stay locked up forever.

Sudden outbursts, conflicts and arguments begin to show up in other areas of your life for no aparent reason - not just with the person you originally felt angered by.

So, what can you do to release and process before it festers?

How to process emotions is sadly not a skill they teach us at school. I call it a skill because it'rs super important to learn and it takes awareness and practice to master.

In my belief journaling the #1 way to process your emotions. Here's how you can get started:

TUNE INTO THE REAL SOURCE OF YOUR ANGER:

  1. What specifically is causing me to feel angry/irritated/frustrated?

  2. Is it really about this one thing, or is it more than that?

  3. How are my needs are not being met?

  4. Where am I holding anger in my body?
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  5. Acknowledge the true feelings beneath your anger (acceptance) and ask - what do I need to do in order to be at peace?

From here, you'll get clear on the next best course of action.

J A N E L  B R I G G S
Thrive Mindset Coaching

And, as always if you need more guidance please reach out via DM. Learn more about my 1:1 coacing programs here. TimeLine Therapy is an incredible tool for guiding you to release anger (and various other negative emotions) from it's core and get to the root of the problem. 

​About the Author: Janel Briggs is a NLP and Timeline Therapy Practitioner on a mission to support women across Australia and Singapore in healing their professional anxieties, insecurities and imposter syndrome to build unwavering confidence and self-belief. The goal is to level up your life and career by learning how to to live fearless and anxiety free! Connect with Janel on social media via Linkedin or Instagram.

​As you probably know by now, our LIFE is a journey filled with countless ups and downs, twists and turns, and unexpected challenges within our story.

Along this path, we often encounter mental and emotional roadblocks that hinder our progress, cloud our judgment, and leave us feeling stuck.

Whether it's confusion about the next step, anxiety about making the right decision, hitting a creative or career block, a lack of motivation, or crippling self-doubt, the mind spins:

Where am I going? Am I happy? What am I doing? When will I be happy?

These obstacles can be frustrating and overwhelming, making it very difficult to move forward.

Previously, before experiencing mindset coaching, I personally would have notched a roadblock up as failure. My mind had been programmed from a young age, that anything less than 100% was failure. 

• If I received a NO from someone - this was a failure
• If I heard criticism (even if it was constructive) - this was a failure
• If I saw an outcome that was out of my control - this was a failure
• If something didn't live up to the expectation in my mind - this was a failure

I would be totally stressed out, spiralling into anxiety overthinking all the WHY's and WHAT IF's... ultimately not feeling good enough.

Which never EVER helped the situation! When negative emotions  and fear rule the situation - it makes EVERYTHING harder.

What I've learned since then is that hitting a mental or emotional roadblock does NOT mean I am a failure, or it’s the end of the road.

It's actually a fork in the road, a good check in point.

Here's why:

An emotion in itself is a feeling, and feelings are not facts.

The study of NLP (Neuro-Linguistics-Programming) tells us that we experience our first negative emotions in early childhood, typically 0-7 years old.

If the negative emotion that we felt for the very first time (like fear, anger, hurt, guilt or sadness) was too confusing for our young mind, or left unresolved, the memory of that experience (and our reaction or response to it) is stored within the unconscious part of our mind.

The part of our mind where our habits and patterns are formed, that essentially runs on auto-pilot.
The mind then uses this past experience as a reference point for each time that specific emotion is arises in future. Unconsciously filtering new information coming in and present-day experiences on that past trigger point, even though we are no longer a child.

The mind unconsciously in a split second says “remember that time you felt scared about X when you were young? This is JUST LIKE THAT”. When in 99% of circumstances it is not.

So, our response as adults now to the fear is bigger and can often be out of proportion to the context of the situation in front of us.

Have you ever wondered “Why am I so fearful of X, when other people are not? Why do I get so angry and frustrated about X, when so-and-so doesn’t even care? Why can’t I let go of it?”

This is why, shown in my example above, I continued to notch up every “No” in my life as a failure. My mind had unconsciously stored an experience of failure when I was 7yo. From that moment I learned to react and respond with fear in a specific way any time there was a possibility of failure. This inhibited me in many ways throughout my adult life.

The specific coaching that helped me to realise all of this and release my fear of failure and reprogram the self-limiting belief I had formed that I was not good enough, was the transformational process of TimeLine Therapy®.

You can watch my video below to learn more about TLT or read about it here.

Now thankfully, when a roadblock presents itself, I like to see the situation as a unique opportunity for inner growth and self-reflection. I am no longer trapped by fear of failure.

And this is what I want for you too. It is the reason why just 6 months after working with a Mindset Coach myself in 2017, I went on to retrain and become a NLP and TimeLine Therapy® Practitioner – so I could pay this gift forward to other women just like me.

Where do we start when we hit a mental roadblock?

Absolutely, we need to honour our emotions and express them. There is a saying I like to remember:

“What we resist - will persist”.

You can only deny emotions for so long. We must begin to unpack the emotion and the trigger, and find healthy ways to release the emotion. The most powerful way to do this for me is to journal my thoughts.

And instead of falling to pieces I stop and ask 3 simple questions to check in:

1. What emotions am I feeling? Why is this situation causing me to feel this way?

2. What are the options in front of me?

3. What is this situation trying to teach me? Or, what can I learn from this?

When you are learning you are growing, and you are NOT failing.

It's during these challenging moments that we have the chance to zoom out, look for higher perspectives, and tap into our intuition to find the solutions to move forward with ease.

Conquering the fear of failure always begins with a process of self-discovery. The inner work for emotional healing may require patience and perseverance, but please know you are not alone! There is guidance and coaching available to support you, whenever you are ready.

A loss of identity and a crash of confidence can feel confronting, challenging and weird (especially when living overseas!). But it is possible to overcome it and get back to you.

When I moved to Singapore from Melbourne in 2022, this was not my first rodeo at what they call becoming a “Trailing Spouse”. In 2007, my then boyfriend (now husband!) took a promotion within our company and we moved to the USA for 2 years, our first experience with the expat life.

The experience was all parts incredible AND super challenging for me.

At the time we were young and free! Dual income with zero responsibilities (remember that?!)- no kids, pets or mortgage! We both worked hard and played hard. We travelled EVERYWHERE, said yes to opportunities, and totally lived it up the experience.

But not long after moving cracks began to appear in my mindset and mental health. Trailing spouse depression and identity loss is absolutely a thing, that I had no idea about. It wasn't in the brochure!

As a fiercely independent woman of 30 I had NEVER before “given up my life” and put my own aspirations (and needs!) on hold for someone else … who at that time hadn’t even “put a ring on it” yet, as Queen B would say.
​

• I battled feelings of resentment, at what I was missing out on in my career
• I missed my support network dearly, my friends and family who really knew me
• I struggled with insecurities in making new friends, as a more introverted person
• I felt lost and uncertain of myself – Who am I here? What value do I bring? What about what I want? Why does he get to make all the decisions?
• I was anxious about the future and the unknowns for us

I had all the negative feelings, while watching my partner THRIVE in his work and his personal friendships. As you can imagine, this caused a massive strain in our relationship. 

​I had lost my sense of identity, my value and self-worth.

I realise now I had put all my happiness eggs in his basket in the relationship, expecting him to be EVERYTHING for me 24/7. I wanted him to fix me! And make me happy! Of course, that pressure was too much.

Thankfully, this was a wake up call for me, a turning point where I decided I needed to work on me. I enrolled in University and went back to study, and I enlisted the help of my first NLP Coach and began the journey of understanding who I am, and what I wanted.

Fast forward 13 years marriage, one child, becoming a Mindset Coach myself and surviving a pandemic - we decide to move to Singapore last year for expat #2. Suffice to say this time I was more prepared.

I spent my first few months noticing common themes throughout conversation I was having with other expat women here in Singapore.

Pandemic burnout, overwhelm from moving to Asia without a support network, and anxiety arising from uncertainty and changes in working visas were recurring topics at every coffee meet up I joined.
I began hearing echoes of the SAME feelings that I used to have.

So many women who had moved for their partners career were suffering from an identity loss leaving them with too much time to think and worry about finances in the future.

Although very grateful to be in Singapore for the expat experience, frustrations were felt around being unable to work and the fact that they put their life and career on hold to support their other half.

This was the catalyst for me deciding to expand my Mindset Coaching business in Singapore. To be able to help these women who are feeling this sense of identity loss. To support those struggling with stress anxiety and ever growing “imposter syndrome” that come with big life changes.

New Life Phase

A loss of identity can happen at any time it does not relate to age or gender. Experts reveal that it can be triggered when a person enters a new life phase that makes them question their basic understanding of self. Major events such as changing careers, becoming apparent, ending a long-term relationship or moving to a new place can be a catalyst for those uncomfortable feelings where you just feel a bit, well, off.

Research shows that relocation is the third most stressful life event possible.

On top of this according to an InterNations survey, it's the partner of the expat with the job who tends to be more susceptible to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety and who is negatively affected by the move. Typically, this is because they:
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• Have given up more for the move and find that they missed their personal support network (63%)
• Have struggled with forfeiting their previous career (60%)
• Dislike being financially dependent on their partner (65%)
• Experience their partner always working long hours in their job (52%)
• Are often expected to organise all practical aspects of moving and living abroad (51%)

(Tick, tick, tick from my experience way back in 2007!)

In the beginning, the expat partner tends to focus on everyone else's happiness and getting the family settled as the priority. Once the transition is complete and all the tasks are done the questions begin to arise what do I do now? What is my purpose here? Where do I fit in? Who am I? Feelings of resentment, frustration, sadness, and hopelessness can set in.

How to Shift Your Mindset

The first step to navigate any big life change where you're feeling this sense of identity lost is begin to shift your mindset and try to see this journey, or new phase of your life, as an opportunity for personal growth, development and expansion.

Here are 6 key points to help you get started:

1. Choose Acceptance
Finding a place of acceptance for the circumstances you're in right now is key. Remembering that if your mind is too far in the past thinking about all the things that you don't have, you will continue to feel stuck. If your mind is too far in the future, you'll continue to feel anxious by the uncertainty. Both thought processes make it harder to find happiness and be in the present moment. Do note that acceptance doesn't necessarily mean that you have to surrender or like the situation, but having a willingness to accept your circumstances will release the resistance in the mind that creates undue stress.

2. Create Routine
Routine serves as an anchor. Predictable, repetitive routines are calming and help reduce stress and anxiety. Formulating a weekly schedule can help you feel more motivated, organised and productive. How you begin and end your day matters. Are you feeding your mind with positive information and thoughts when you wake up? Are you feeding your body with nourishing food of movement during the day? Are you getting enough sleep?

3. Embrace Exploration
Use this time to discover more about who you are:

• What is something you haven't done for a while that you used to love doing?
• What is something you've always wanted to learn about or study?
• Is there a gap in your skill set you could focus on feeling right now?
• Is there a hobby or sport you have wanted to try but never got around to?
• What is something you enjoy reading about, or could talk about for hours?
• What brings you joy?

 
4. Connect
Recognise that you're not alone in your feelings. It can feel daunting to build interpersonal relationships in a new country but connecting with others and sharing your emotions can be very healing.

5. Catch Self-Doubt
When negative or unhelpful thoughts creep into your mind, questioning your value or worth, practice catching the thought before it spirals. Understand that not every thought you think is factual, and feelings are not facts. The mind has a protection mechanism that wants to keep you safe. Instead of believing and listening to unkind self-doubt call it out by asking, “Where is the evidence to support this?” or “What is causing me to feel this way?”.

6. Reframe Your Language
The words we choose have a positive or negative effect on our mindset. If you believe it's hard and say to yourself “This is hard, I hate this, I don't want this” then it will no doubt be harder for you. Whereas if you use more empowering words such as “I can do this, I can overcome this challenge” the mind will be more open to change and all the possibilities.


This article was originally published ANZA (The Australia & New Zealand Association) Magazine Singapore, March 2023 edition (pg 34-35).

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​About the Author: Janel Briggs is a NLP and Timeline Therapy Practitioner on a mission to support women across Australia and Singapore in healing their professional anxieties, insecurities and imposter syndrome to build unwavering confidence and self-belief. The goal is to level up your life and career by learning how to to live fearless and anxiety free! Connect with Janel on social media via Linkedin or Instagram.

I've been hearing this a lot from my new clients this year, like no matter what they do they still feel so far behind on those big life goals and dreams.

Typically, when I hear a similar coaching process a few times, I know it's valuable to share wider. So, I am giving you the exact tool I give to my clients in private coaching to increase their overall sense of well-being when goal-getting.

​Negative emotions such as fear, frustration, self-doubt, and resentment can quietly sabotage our ability to achieve our goals.

When we’re caught in these emotional states, our focus narrows to the problem rather than the solution, making it harder to see opportunities or take decisive action.

Persistent negative feelings drain our motivation, disrupt our decision-making, and can trigger procrastination or avoidance all of which slow progress.

​Over time, this emotional roadblock erodes confidence and creates a cycle where the very mindset we need to succeed is weakened, keeping our goals just out of reach.

The mind can so easily get stuck on "all the things we haven't done" or are "yet to accomplish". The ego telling us we are unorganised, lazy, and need to be "more productive".
 
Essentially the mind's job is to assess for risk but, as you probably know these thoughts cause us to feel GUILT, perhaps like we aren't good enough. And guilt is 100% the biggest showstopper to any good action! 
 
Guilt creates resistance. We are less likely to do the things we want to do, when guilt is in the drivers seat. So, to cut the guilt and create more momentum it's time for a reality check.
 
Here's one of my favourite coaching tools:
 
At the end of each week take 5 minutes to sit and reflect. Grab a cuppa and a notebook and write down the answer to 3 questions:

It's a small action you can take weekly to strengthen your relationship with yourself, help you pursue your goals with intention and generally just feel BETTER about life!
 
How it works:
 
If you focus your mind on the negative emotions it will find loads of reasons to not take action.
 
The mind has a natural tendency to remember negative experiences, and store negative emotions / interactions RATHER THAN positive ones.

​That's because the human brain is hard wired to scan for threat more than 5 times every second!

Whereas if you focus your mind on what worked, it will find reasons to keep going.
 
Taking moments in you day and week to "reprogram" the negative bias with positive self-talk, affirmations, and celebrating what you've accomplished fires up your neural pathways giving the brain an opportunity create more happy and positive feelings.

• When you reflect on what you did well this helps the mind to move in a positive direction, remembering all you have actually done in the time you had available
• When you observe the challenges of the week this helps the mind to remember acceptance and self-compassion
• When you use the power of intention to future focus the mind your actions become steppingstones to your goals. And your intention is always working even when you don't realise it!

If you are stressed about the future this simple 3 step weekly journal reflection process will help to improve the quality of life, week after week.
 
It's so simple, you could even start today! 

Try it for the next 3 weeks and let me know of the differences you notice.

With December here, work, family and friend get togethers are back on.

We’re eating out again, attending parties, and even going shopping in real stores.

December is always a busy time of year, and 2021 perhaps more so given that many of us spent weeks in lockdowns and can’t wait to see people in real life (not that we didn’t love those zoom meetings…).

But between year-end festivities and summer holidays, we’re also finalising presents, tying up loose ends, finishing projects, and probably planning for 2022 as well.

And the worst part? All this busyness and hustle and go-go-go is (dare I say it), “normal” and often even glorified.

So, if you’re like most women I know and coach, the busyness and hustle you normally feel is likely really, really ramping up this year.

Now to be honest, “hustle” is not one of my favourite words, but (unfortunately) it describes what most women can relate to.

One definition of hustle is to “proceed or work rapidly or energetically”. This almost sounds like a good thing doesn’t it? And perhaps that’s why many have come to see it that way, but is it?
Never before has any other generation lived as fast a paced lifestyle where being “busy” and “hustling” are actually promoted, accepted, and rewarded.

I see part of the issue is that we can get almost anything we want on demand through our phones, tablets, and laptops.

Whatever we want to know, learn, plan, or look up is at our fingertips 24/7. Podcasts, YouTube, social media, news outlets, magazines, and almost every book ever written is all there with us. And let’s not forget the text messages, phone calls, voice messages, and emails.

When does it stop?

When do we turn off, unplug, or tap out from the noise and give ourselves a break?

In fact, you’ve probably been going so hard that you hardly take the time to move, nourish, enjoy, and rest the entire day.

Why? Because there’s SO MUCH TO DO!

And we’re being validated for this by society, our colleagues, our bosses, and even sometimes our friends and family.

This busyness and hustle have almost become badges of honour.

Where productivity, busyness, and hustle equal feeling and being valued.

There’s a quote I love by author Michael Gunger that says, “Burnout is literally what happens when you avoid being human for too long.”, and if we’re busy, hustling, pushing, striving, and going ALL THE TIME, then it’s almost inevitable that burnout will come.

Now don’t get me wrong, part of this drive is because we want to be the BEST version of ourselves.

We want to improve, challenge ourselves, and keep learning and growing.

And I love that and get it. I’m a personal development junkie!

We want to achieve success and have an incredible career where we feel fulfilled, create impact, are valued, and feel motivated to reach our goals and dreams. 
 
We want to have an abundance of time for ourselves and our families.
For the projects, sports and hobbies we enjoy.

We also want loving relationships and deep soulful friendships, which is amazing. 
 
And while I’m a firm believer that you can do absolutely ANYTHING, and that you CAN achieve it ALL, the reality is that you just can’t do EVERYTHING all at once. The more you hustle for these things the further away they’re likely to get.
 
So this year, let’s stop.
Stop being so “busy”.
Stop the relentless “hustle”.
 
Let’s take the time to stop, pause, and say no, or maybe, or not now, or some other time.
Prioritise your time, energy, health and wellbeing.
Slow down and take stock.
Fill your own cup first.
 
Plan for breaks, holidays, good times, and summer vibes.
Stop carrying your phone everywhere, and most importantly, stop constantly checking it.
Put auto-respond on your emails.
Set you calendar, availability, and voicemail to away.
Shut down the tabs, the browsers, the documents, and the spreadsheets.
 
And if you do have to do work, slow it down.

Take advantage of most people being on holidays.
Cancel your regularly scheduled meetings and avoid making new ones.
Keep your calendar clear so you can focus on “big picture” work of reflecting on the year and planning for the next.
 
While hustle might be the “norm” for most, it doesn’t have to be.
We can change it.

I want you to thrive, not merely survive.
I want you to feel confident and comfortable, stress and anxiety free (or at least reduced!).
I want you to feel in control of your mindset, goals, and what’s coming up next.
 
To help you with this, be sure to subscribe to my blog above, and check out my 1:1 coaching programs, 2022 intake begins in early January.
 
I’m here to help and here to remind you that perhaps the holidays are the perfect time to stop the hustle and truly enjoy the season.
 
Wishing you a happy and hustle-free holidays!
~ JB

Almost half of those said they worked nearly TWICE as many late hours than the previous year.

And the number of hours spent working overtime? For many it went from 236 hours to a staggering 436 hours in one year. No wonder we’re all so burnt out!

In my own work, many women and clients I’ve spoken to said this year has felt like one big emotional hangover, which often leads to… burnout.

And the similarities I’ve been noticing? Emotional exhaustion + mental load = burnout

Emotional Exhaustion

Emotional exhaustion is the most common experience of burnout women feel and that I’ve seen with my clients during the last year and half.
 
Whether it’s total exhaustion from the weight of conflicting, overwhelming, and repetitive emotions or the prolonged feelings of exhaustion, frustration, fear, worry, loss, sadness, anger, resentment, and even guilt, we’ve all been feeling it.
 
The constant changes and adaptations.
The cycles of change with feelings of little control over our lives.
They all take an emotional toll.

They all lead to emotional exhaustion often followed by burnout.
 
Carrying the Mental Load

The mental load we carry is not often as obvious as emotional exhaustion.
 
But you know all those thoughts constantly swirling in our minds? The processing, analysing, overthinking? The monkey chatter and second-guessing? The doubts and fears?
 
Well, this is carrying (and often being consumed by) the mental load.
 
The mental load of our thoughts, worries, fears, and the stress that come from these patterns of repetitive (and often negative) thoughts. Of future pacing and staying five steps ahead.
 
And then there’s the over-analysing…

Have I done enough? Is there more I should be doing? Something I should’ve done? Something I shouldn’t?

The reality of carrying these constant thoughts and beliefs is that is becomes overbearing, overwhelming, and exhausting. The mental load wears us down and leads us to burn out. How could it not?
 
Making Changes

Even after we’ve recognised our emotional exhaustion and mental load and made some changes, we often still FEEL burnt out.

Confusing right?

See when we experience chronic stress these feelings can trigger negative thought, emotions, beliefs, and patterns which often triggers our bodies’ stress response.

So even if you’ve eliminated or eased the stresses and know things have changed your body never actually got the memo that everything’s ok.

It doesn’t know you’re in a good place.
You’re out of lockdown. You’ve changed jobs.
It doesn’t know you’re ok. It doesn’t know you’re safe.

Essentially what this means is that removing the stress doesn’t fully move you through burnout.
Instead it’s your behaviours.

Your behaviours tell your body things have changed and it’s ok to relax. 

This is why when you think, “I’m over that now.”, and can’t work out why you still feel so exhausted it’s because you’ve made changes to your external environment but not your internal habits and behaviours.

You need to signal your body that you ARE safe. The danger IS over.
You need to allow your body to process through the emotions, because if you don’t, you’ll likely stay in an emotionally burnout state being triggered time and time again.
 
But, nothing changes if nothing changes right?

Here are three steps you can start today to release the emotional exhaustion and lighten the mental load that can lead to burnout.

1. Be mindful and aware of repetitive thoughts or stuck emotions. Recognise and notice the thought. Acknowledge and feel the feelings, then keep moving through.
2. Journal your thoughts, worries, and possible changes. Make a list of behaviours you can do to change the signals your body gets so it knows it can feel safe and calm.
3. If you need help making these changes really stick, check out my 7 Day Stress Mindset Detox program, which provides fast relief from stress and anxiety and teaches you how to gain control over your emotions.

Or for more specialised support and accountability, I can support you with my 1-1 Coaching to help get you off the slippery slope of burnout and regain a mindset that allows you to thrive.With so much of the last year and a half filled with uncertainty and turmoil, know that what you’re feeling is being felt by millions of women around Australia.

Emotional exhaustion and carrying the mental load are real.

And remember, there are strategies and practices to assist, and I’m always here to help whether through my YouTube channel, blogs, or programs.