You’ve checked all the boxes—career, relationships, responsibilities—but something still feels missing.
​
Many of the women I speak with in their late 30s and mid-40s are experiencing a moment (or season!) of feeling “lost”.

Often, these feeling are triggered by major life transitions—kids growing older and becoming more independent, career stagnation, shifting relationships, or the realization that the goals they once chased no longer bring fulfilment.

Fortunately, there is a way to rediscover your purpose, and you can rebuild your confidence.

It starts with small, intentional steps. ​Here’s how:

The holiday season can be a time of joy—but also a source of stress for many professional women managing demanding careers and family commitments.

Navigating holiday dynamics, whether at work or home, often brings pressure to meet expectations, resolve conflicts, and maintain harmony.

However, what I've come to realise is that learning how to set clear boundaries CAN transform this experience!

By managing your time and energy wisely (spending less time with people that drain you!) you can reduce stress, increase emotional resilience, and create space for meaningful experiences and more peaceful in your life.

Setting boundaries isn’t about saying "no" to everything; it’s about saying "yes" to what aligns with your values, energy, and well-being. When you honor your own limits, you can show up more present and engaged in the moments that matter most.

I used to fall into the trap of doing everything for everyone. I was the problem solver and caretaker of my family, as many women are. But without boundaries at this time of year I would be an anxious mess in the weeks leading up to Christmas, my memories of past Christmases that didnt live up to my expectations playing on repeat - affecting my sleep, energy and mood. 

What I've learned is that boundaries aren't about being closed off—they're about protecting your well-being so you can show up at your best, personally and professionally. They'll help you to conserve your time, energy, and mental well-being—allowing you to feel more grounded.

The holiday season is notorious for its demands—extra events, financial pressures, emotional family dynamics, and the endless search for the perfect gift. When you don’t set boundaries, you risk spreading yourself too thin, leaving little room for the things that truly matter.

​1. Prioritize Your Time and Energy
 
It’s impossible to be everywhere and do everything FOR EVERYONE—so don’t try! Instead, decide what’s truly important to you this season. Is it family movie nights? Baking cookies with your kids? Or maybe just some quiet mornings to recharge?

• Action Tip: Make a list of your holiday “must-haves” and focus on these. Anything that doesn’t align with your priorities can be politely declined.

 
2. Communicate Expectations Clearly (and Kindly!)

Last week I wrote about the art of saying “no”! Setting boundaries requires open and honest communication with the people in your life. 

• Action Tip: Whether it’s your boss, family, or friends, clearly articulate what you can and cannot commit to this season. AND what expectations you have, OR behaviour you will or will not allow.

To Family:
“I’m excited to celebrate together, but I can’t host all of Christmas lunch this year. I would appreciate if everyone can contribute (either a dish, or cash towards food etc).”

To Friends:
“I’d love to join the holiday party, but I can only stay for a couple of hours due to other commitments.”

To Your Boss:
“I’m happy to wrap up key projects before the holidays, but I won’t be available after December 23rd as I’ll be offline spending time with my family.”

Setting a Behavior Boundary:
“I understand you have a lot to say about (x topic), but I won’t engage in conversations that feel disrespectful or critical. Please, let's keep it positive and supportive, otherwise I'm tapping out.”

3. Protect Your Mental and Emotional Energy
 
As you know, family gatherings can bring joy—but also drama. It’s okay to limit your time with individuals who drain your energy or create tension.

• Action Tip: Plan visits for shorter durations or choose neutral venues where you feel more at ease. If the conversation takes a negative turn, excuse yourself for a moment, get outside take a few deep breaths and some time to reset.

 
4. Follow Through with Consistency

Here's the reason why setting boundaries feels so hard, we KNOW that not everyone is going to like your boundaries. People may give you a snarky reply or talk behind your back. At the end of the day though, if they can't respect you and your wishes - then how much air time do they really deserve?? (yes, even if they are FAMILY!)

• Action Tip: Be consistent in your message and direct to the point, no need to over explain. Some people may push back, they may not reply, or could try you  again. Remember their reaction isn't your responsibility. 

No one else is going to be looking for ways to bring you more peace. Only you can do that. Now, it may take some uncomfortable conversations and a little practice at following through. But, you are ALWAYS worth it!  

Well, the holiday season is here—and it's supposed to be a time of joy, connection, and celebration.

But let’s be real: it can also be one of the most EXHAUSTING times of the year!!

Between work deadlines, social commitments, and family obligations, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s truly important...

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING!

This Christmas, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

There is 1 thing that I started doing a few years back to save my sanity for Christmas.

Each year I get BETTER and better at it the more I practice it.

​It does mean you might have to do things a little differently, but instead of succumbing to the pressure to “do it all” ... this year I want you to take a moment to pause, reflect, and focus on what matters most.
​

It’s a familiar story: you spend December scrambling to check every box on your to-do list. But why do we do this to ourselves? Research shows:
​

• 88% of people find the holiday season stressful, according to a study by the American Psychological Association (APA).
• 69% feel the need to balance work deadlines with holiday preparations, leading to increased anxiety.
• Social obligations add to the load, with 43% of adults feeling pressured to attend gatherings they don’t actually want to go to.

​The result? Burnout before Christmas Day even arrives.
​

Here’s the radical idea I adopted a few years back: 

JUST SAY NO.

• You don’t have to see everyone in December.
• You don't have to put your hand up and volunteer for something at every group you're in.
• You def don't have to lay guilt on yourself for taking a step back this year to just breathe.

Let that sink in.

And the world won’t fall apart if you don't volunteer OR postpone some catch-ups until January—or even February.

And here's my best tip on  how to set that boundary with kindness: 

• Be honest: “I would love to see you/help out, but I’m at capacity right now. Can we do this in January when life feels a little less overwhelming?” 
• Reframe it: "January is often a calmer month work wise for me and a better time for me for this (project/event/catch up). Can we post-pone until the new year?"

I Think We Forget That We Need To Protect Our Most Precious Resource: OUR ENERGY! 

When you reflect on what matters most at Christmas, women usually tell me it's being with FAMILY.

If that resonates with you too - let me ask you then, do you want them to have "what's left of you?" or "the best of you" this year??

I spent TOO MANY years with dregs of energy left by December 24th. I learnt this the hard way.

Your time and energy are the most important resource, and only you can guard them.

💡 Here are some practical tips from my "Holiday Stress Suvivial Kit" that will help you prioritize your mental health this holiday season: 
​

1. Say “No” More Often
   Give yourself permission to decline invitations or obligations that don’t serve you. Remember, a polite “no” now is better than resentment later. 
2. Schedule Downtime
   Block out time in your calendar for rest and self-care. Treat it like any other important commitment—it’s non-negotiable. 
3. Simplify Gift-Giving
   If shopping stresses you out, consider alternatives like donations, experiences, or simple heartfelt notes. A survey by Bankrate revealed that 45% of us feel financial stress during the holidays, so simplifying can ease more than just your mental load. 
4. Focus on What Brings Joy - Whether it's decorating, singing carols, baking with the kids, or a quiet night in with loved ones - lean into activities that nourish your soul rather than drain it!  

​Imagine starting the new year not feeling drained, but refreshed and content.

​That’s what prioritizing your mental health this Christmas can do for you. By guarding your energy, setting boundaries, and letting go of unnecessary pressures, you’re not just surviving the holidays—you’re thriving through them.

​So, take a deep breath, step back, and make time for what’s truly important: your well-being. After all, a happier, healthier YOU is the greatest gift you can give yourself—and everyone around you.

Here's a reflection for all the care-takers out there. The mothers, fur-mama's and women in relationships who spend most of their time caring and holding space for other people (whether it be your partner, children, family, or in your friendships).

I want to ask you a question:

​Recently, I had to ask myself this question. And it's VERY interesting what came up!
 
Last week my husband and I decided to invest in private 1:1 coaching for our son (who is 10yo) for a sport he loves. This coaching would help him to build more confidence and fine tune his skills. I did my research, got a referral, and the quote came back at $200 for a number of sessions. 

It was literally a split-second decision - YES, let's do it!

Within 24hrs the first session was set up. It was a "no-brainer" for us to spend $200 on our son's progression in this sport, his happiness is high on our priority list.
​

Perhaps you could ask yourself the same thing?

I can tell you, the decision would have taken wayyyy longer than 24hrs!! My mind would have been spinning thinking about all the justifications, the pro's and con's, in an attempt to ward off the overwhelming feeling of... GUILT.
​
"I can't do that, I can't spend that much on myself... it's too much! I'll find another way. I'll get another quote. I'll wait to see if I REALLY NEED IT."
​

I've had clients tell me they're kids are always dressed in the best clothes - yet they're still wearing those old shoes with the hole in them they bought 5 years ago!
​
Or, they'll even pay for the finest food, toys and new beds for they're fur babies - yet they're still using a broken hair brush from 2012!

Or, they won't even blink an eye at loaning a family member or friend money to support their idea or dream - yet won't do the same for themselves!
​

Honestly, I believe it comes down to priority and self-value. Where we place ourselves on our own priority list matters.

We forget about how important it is to invest in ourselves, in our own progression, healing and growth.

I can tell you that in every decision I used to make - I was at the bottom of my priority list.
Somehow in my role as the "responsible care-taker" in my immediate and extended family I thought else's needs came before mine.

What I came to realise (after hitting a rock bottom with my mental health in 2017!) is that my needs and taking care of myself HAD to come FIRST.

I needed to be a top priority in my life, instead of bottom of the list.
​
If I couldn't make myself a priority and voice my needs - then how would anyone else ever make me a priority too? 
​

​My last questions for you is this:

• Understand where you are on your own priority list
• Put time and energy into shifting your mindset focusing on your needs
• Release the guilt & do the thing!

​And if you have any questions or comments on how to get started - please reach out!

​Have you ever found yourself wishing that someone in your life would change, thinking it would make everything so much better?
​
Many women experience stress, mental and emotional strain as a direct result of the other people's behaviours and actions. 
 
"IF ONLY he/she would do THIS, then everything would be OK!"

• Stop drinking or smoking
• Save more money
• Looked after their health
• Got a new job with less stress
• Fixed their (XYZ).
• Listened to me more!

 
If they would just make "this change" then our life would greatly improve, and I could stop worrying. I know, how amazing would it be if the people we cared about would do what we want them to all the time!!

​No matter how much you want it for them or love them, what you say or do for them... only they can DECIDE to make changes in their life.

You cannot control their choices or outcomes. And all that pushing will ultimately cause you more resentment, heartache, stress and pain. 

Which I know is a super hard to hear. I've been there too.

I have multiple people in my life today I would LOVE to see change their ways - but a decade of trying to change them broke me and I had to learn to let it go.
​
I've also seen this frustration in a few of my past coaching clients' relationships. Where women who have journeyed on the path of self-discovery for themsleves now want the same for their partner, sibling, child, or partent. However, in attempting to push them to "see the light" and change their habits and behaviours, they've ended up causing themselves angst.

​Perhaps even a catalyst, by showing them what is possible. The decision for someone to change their life has to be their own, otherwise the transormation may be fleeting or won't stick long term. 

If you can't walk the path for them, what can you do?

Continue to focus on your own personal growth and well-being. Be the light in their life. From my experience it takes patience, but in time you may notice small shifts and improvements both in your life and theirs.

Here are 5 actions you can take:

1. Accept what is: Acceptance and understanding will always help to remove the negative charge, or feelings within you. Start by reflecting on your own feelings and expectations. Accept that you can't control another person's actions or decisions. Embrace the reality that people will continue to make their own choices.
   
2. Communicate your needs: Engage in open and honest communication with the person in question. Share your thoughts and feelings, but do so without trying to force them to change. Instead, aim to understand each other better and find a common ground and let them know what you need in the relationship.
   
3. Set boundaries: Establish clear healthy boundaries that protect your well-being and values. These boundaries are life fences that keep out the the energy and behavior you will not allow into your space. Rather than trying to make the other person change you may have to change what you can control a) how much time you spend with them b) when and where you will spend time with them c) topics you will or will not talk about etc.
   
4. Lead by example: Be the change you want them to see. Demonstrate the behaviors and values you believe in. Sometimes, your actions can inspire others to become "willing" to change
   
5. Prioritise yourself: Focus on taking care of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically. Seek support from friends, family, a coach or therapist if needed. Your well-being should be a top priority, regardless of whether someone else changes or not.
   

Remember, while you can't necessarily change someone else, you have the power to change yourself and influence the dynamics of your relationships through your own actions and choices.

​

​About the Author: Janel Briggs is a NLP and Timeline Therapy Practitioner on a mission to support women across Australia and Singapore in overcoming their professional anxieties, imposter syndrome, fears and insecurities to build unwavering confidence and self-belief. Mindset Coaching is about learning how to  become fearless and level up your life and career! Connect with Janel on social media via Linkedin or Instagram.

Finding motivation, and achieving a work-life balance are two topics that come up a lot in my coaching, and truthfully, it’s taken me a long (very long!) time to work out the formula to this problem.
I don’t know if you can relate to this, but I’ve always been the sort of person who is “ALL IN 100%” on something.
In my corporate career if I was working on a deadline, I was ALL IN, meaning motivation for ANYTHING else in my personal life got pushed to the bottom of the list.
Later, owning my own business in the early years, if I was working on a project, or studying, or exploring a new idea, I was ALL IN and my motivation for healthy habits like exercise, eating well or sleep got skewed.
And if I was focusing on living, enjoying personal time OFF work, travelling (or at times battling my own mental health journey) - then I was completely checked out and unmotivated for work, exercise or ANYTHING else!
If you are an ALL IN kind of person, I want you to know that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
There is no doubt, you’re a go getter and have probably achieve great outcomes!
Until… you hit burnout, or the all or nothing mindset becomes an issue and other areas of your life begin to fall apart.
What I realised is that my mind was stuck believing these three things:

So, in order to be “in balance” I thought I had to dedicate 1/3 of my time to work, 1/3 of my time to family, 1/3 of my time to personal every week.
​
However, I call this elusive as this is an unrealistic goal. Nothing in life happens in equal parts!
As humans we are cyclical beings.

Every year our planet runs in seasons – no matter where you live there is a cycle and a change of season. Some countries like here in Asia has 2 seasons (dry/wet), where the majority of the rest of the world has 4 distinct seasons. It's planetary.

As women our body runs in hormonal cycles, which means our energy levels will always be in flux. Science tells us that there are certain times within our hormonal cycle that are better for productivity, exercise, and rest. It’s biological.

When I started to understand and accept that life also runs in cycles and seasons, I began to feel more motivation and my mind expand with self-compassion.

Consistent MOTIVATION is cultivated from self-compassion, NOT GUILT.

In the cycle of life there will be months where work takes priority, and weeks where family takes priority, and then other times of the year when your personal and health goals will take priority. Ask yourself this:

What is the most important thing you need to be focusing on - right now this week or month?

Now, if I am in a season of increased work or study, then it’s I allow myself to create boundaries around my energy and reduce plans, commitments or tasks in other areas of life. Similar for family and person life.

The key is to:

•  Remember it’s not FOREVER this is a season or a cycle
• Reframe going ALL IN – perhaps it’s 80 work/20 life - instead of 100/0 where you drop everything else
• Reset and notice the signs when one area of life is out of skew BEFORE you hit burnout

Flowing within the cycle you are in, instead of berating yourself for not doing X or achieving X - means you’ll be more motivated.

Let’s talk about habits for a minute.

We learn habits through our conditioning, or from repeated past experiences. Our habits become imprinted as patterns or programs within our nervous system and brand, stored within the 95% unconscious part of our mind.

Once a habit (good or bad) is formed it occurs outside of our conscious awareness, and will continue operating the same program until a time where you bring the habit into your conscious awareness, and create a shift or change.

We all get so frustrated with ourselves and inflict so much guilt whenever trying to break “bad habits”.

But, I think the main point we forget is that if habits are learned from repeated past experiences – then we have to CONSISTENTLY repeat the experience, until which time the unconscious mind re-programs a new pattern.

The first step to habit change is always AWARENESS.

Becoming consciously aware so that you can see these patterns and "wake yourself up" to a new way of living. As yourself this:

What habits in your life today are working for you, or against you?​

There is nothing more un-motivating that trash talking yourself.
I call GUILT the swampland of the soul – guilt will always keep you STUCK in the place you are in.
If your mind is on a loop of dishing out rude comments, telling you how bad you are and filled with negative self-talk – then you are ALWAYS going to feel unmotivated to do the THING. No matter what the THING is!
Self-acceptance, and taking action are how you are going to stay motivated and find your version of work-life balance. As yourself this:
Wherever you are right now, love yourself for the cycle you are in. 

Photo credit: @lizandmollie

There is nothing more un-motivating that trash talking yourself.
​
I call GUILT the swampland of the soul – guilt will always keep you STUCK in the place you are in.
If your mind is on a loop of dishing out rude comments, telling you how bad you are and filled with negative self-talk – then you are ALWAYS going to feel unmotivated to do the THING. No matter what the THING is!

Self-acceptance, and taking action are how you are going to stay motivated and find your version of work-life balance. As yourself this:

Wherever you are right now, love yourself for the cycle you are in. 

And if you don’t know where to start to bring kinder thoughts into your life… begin with reading, writing or speaking positive affirmations every day.

Powerful "I am" and affirming statements. 

This healthy mindset habit that is going to help you to feel more motivated and shift your mindset to having more positive thoughts.

>> If you're new to this concept I have a free guide to help you get started >> DOWNLOAD MY FREE AFFIRMATIONS LIST HERE

THIS is the one habit you want to start, and even better - it's completely free.

As you navigate and redefine what work-life balance looks like for you personally take this newfound awareness and embrace the cycle or season you are in. Whenever you find yourself off chart, you can always reset. But, remember the foundation of your motivation will be built on self-compassion, not guilt.

​
About the Author: Janel Briggs is a NLP and Timeline Therapy Practitioner on a mission to support women across Australia and Singapore in healing their professional anxieties, insecurities and imposter syndrome to build unwavering confidence and self-belief. The goal is to level up your life and career by learning how to to live fearless and anxiety free! Connect with Janel on social media via Linkedin or Instagram.

We've all faced moments when emotions surge within us like an angry storm. Emotional outbursts, fiery and fierce in intensity take centre stage and knocks us off our center. Defensive barriers go up, words are said, and actions are taken that don't always leave us feeling good.

What I've learned is that most of the time, it's not really about "the thing" that triggered the angry storm... is it? 

• It's not really about the coffee cup and dirty dishes someone left in the sink
• It's not really about the changes at work, or your boss favouring someone else at review time
• It's not really about the family member's comment or opinion at the last catch up

Although those things are super ANNOYING ... they are just the tip of the iceberg, aren't they?

It's MORE THAN that "one thing" presenting itself... it goes deeper than that.

As a Mindset Coach it's my role to help YOU understand what is laying underneath those icy waters at the base of the iceberg.

Where the anger is in fact fueling from.

Anger itself is largely perceived as a secondary emotion that shows up when we feel we need to defend ourselves.

Most often, it's about OUR NEEDS.

What the anger is usually saying is ... when X happens (at home, work, in this relationship) I don't feel:
valued.
loved.
appreciated.
included.
understood.
seen.
heard.
special.

Am I right??

​LEARNING TO RELEASE & PROCESS  ANGER.

Internalised anger and resentment acts like poison in the body, and  will eventually end up festering and eating away  at the container it is in.

The anger held deep down inside, has to come out sometime. It won't stay locked up forever.

Sudden outbursts, conflicts and arguments begin to show up in other areas of your life for no aparent reason - not just with the person you originally felt angered by.

So, what can you do to release and process before it festers?

How to process emotions is sadly not a skill they teach us at school. I call it a skill because it'rs super important to learn and it takes awareness and practice to master.

In my belief journaling the #1 way to process your emotions. Here's how you can get started:

TUNE INTO THE REAL SOURCE OF YOUR ANGER:

  1. What specifically is causing me to feel angry/irritated/frustrated?

  2. Is it really about this one thing, or is it more than that?

  3. How are my needs are not being met?

  4. Where am I holding anger in my body?
​
  5. Acknowledge the true feelings beneath your anger (acceptance) and ask - what do I need to do in order to be at peace?

From here, you'll get clear on the next best course of action.

J A N E L  B R I G G S
Thrive Mindset Coaching

And, as always if you need more guidance please reach out via DM. Learn more about my 1:1 coacing programs here. TimeLine Therapy is an incredible tool for guiding you to release anger (and various other negative emotions) from it's core and get to the root of the problem. 

​About the Author: Janel Briggs is a NLP and Timeline Therapy Practitioner on a mission to support women across Australia and Singapore in healing their professional anxieties, insecurities and imposter syndrome to build unwavering confidence and self-belief. The goal is to level up your life and career by learning how to to live fearless and anxiety free! Connect with Janel on social media via Linkedin or Instagram.

​Have you ever found yourself seeking happiness through external validation?

For years, I placed my happiness in the hands of others, constantly thinking that if certain people or circumstances aligned in a certain way, then I would finally be happy.
​
I would catch myself saying things like, "If my parents, sister, husband, son, boss, colleague, or X did THIS, then I would be happy."

I tied my happiness to achieving good grades, receiving recognition at work, earning a promotion, or even reaching specific milestones in my first business.

My joy was dependent on external factors and the validation they provided.

The problem was, and what I've realised through Mindset Coaching, is that MY long term happiness is an internal job... I am the only one that can change it or make it happen.

Yes, the external factors could give me a temporary hit of happiness, BUT they could never give lasting contentment. Here's why:

* We cannot control the external factors! Or other people's opinion of us

*   We cannot control how much or little someone loves us! Or HOW they specifically show us love

The key was... I had to learn to know, love and accept MYSELF (all facets and parts of me) - in order to find my self-worth and experience a contentment that I never even knew existed.

And the most amazing thing happened, when I stopped seeking external validation...

I got my power back!

​In this video, I share the three crucial steps I took to break free from the cycle of seeking external validation and find true self-worth.

Let me detail the 3 steps I took for you here:

I learned that I cannot control other people's actions, reactions, behaviours or even the way they love and treat me. I cannot control every single outcome, to every situation in my life.

​There will be uncertainty, there will be change, there will be things that do not always go my way. No matter how hard I work or try to make it different. 

I can only control what is within my circle - my mind, my body, my emotions and my behaviours. How I think, reaction and respond is up to me. 

I started my day with a simple shift. In order to love myself fully and build self-worth I need to be the most important person in my world, my needs matter. My own self-care has to be a priority. 

I decided to wake up 15 mins earlier, to sit listening to a short 5 min guided meditation and I did 10 mins of journaling positive affirmations - something I had never done before!  (If you are new to meditation I have a few to help get you started here)

I spent 10 mins stretching and doing yoga, then ate a healthy nourishing breakfast and I listened to music while getting ready for work. 

I found this short 20-30mins of "me-time" first thing in the morning would calm and refocus my mind, before the chaos of the day began.

When I filled my "needs cup" first, I found I wasn't looking to other people or external factors to fill my own needs. 

I began a new habit where once a week I would do something that brough me joy - something just for me. Where I didn't have to do anything for anyone else. 

You see, I began to remember who I was outside of all the labels and hats I wore. Outside of the expectations, demands, stress and achievements of work. 

I started to love and reconnect to my inner child, the part of me that had gotten lost from putting all my happiness eggs outside my own basket. The part of me that was waiting for someone else to love, care and adore me, the way I wanted. 

It's an empowering feeling not waiting for someone to give you everything you need.

I began to breathe easier and smile more often. Life felt less heavy and more enjoyable.  

I realise that it had to start with me, just like it has to start with you.

And I am here to tell you - YOU can absolutely do it too. 

​JB

​The most important day, is the day you decide your mental health is what matters most.

Once you create this mindset shift, you'll find quite a few things get easier to manage: 
​

• Setting healthy boundaries
• Who you will and won't spend time with
• The problems and drama you'll give your energy to
• Making decisions about the future

I think so much of the time, as women, we feel like putting ourselves first is somehow selfish. But, it's not. It's actually healthy! How can you continue to give the world from an empty cup?

I certainly couldn't. I was at the rock bottom of my priority list. My cup was so empty when I first recognised my mental health was a problem, I couldn't even muster the energy to get out of bed to feed my 3yo son.

(Tap to listen to my story...)

My first (and biggest!) mindset shift was recognising that I was the only person who could actually change that situation.

No one was coming to fix me. No one was coming to save me. 

I had to be the one who decided enough was enough, it was time for something to change.

My wish is that I can empower you with 5 Simple Questions for Checking in on Your Mental Health so that your life doesn’t get to its lowest point, before you decide it’s time for something to change.

Let's get into it:

1. How am I feeling emotionally right now?  

Checking in on your emotional state is an important step in assessing your mental health. Ask yourself:
 
“How am I feeling in this moment?”
“How long have I been feeling this way?”
 
In times of external stress, we often deny our emotions, push them down and say, “I’ll deal with that later, I don’t have the time for this”.
 
The funny thing about emotions is… we have to feel them, to heal them. Our emotions will continue to arise, in small or big ways, until we do.
 
And at some stage they could even become super overwhelming - anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness – derailing you from every day life.

2. Am I taking care of my basic needs?

Mental health is closely intertwined with our body’s wellbeing. Your body may begin to show symptoms of poor mental health before you even realise it consciously. Muscle tension, pain, feeling restless, headaches, insomnia, appetite changes are all key symptoms. Ask yourself:

"Are you getting enough sleep, skipping meals, eating balanced meals, and engaging in regular exercise?"

Neglecting your body’s basic needs can contribute to fatigue and the body’s stress. If you are not well slept and nourished, the mind has less resilience and finds it harder to process stress and emotions.

3. Am I managing stress effectively?

Are you feeling overwhelmed and constantly under pressure?

• Is the stress from X (work, family, relationships) causing you to reach for sugary foods, alcohol, cigarettes etc, more often?
• Do you find yourself staying up later binge-watching TV or scrolling your phone to “zone out”.
• Are you isolating more often from friends and loved ones?

Take a look at your coping mechanisms and self-care practices. Health stress management can be as simple as making time to move your body, meditate, journalling your thoughts or connecting with a friend – after a rough day.

4. How are my relationships influencing my mental health?

Our relationships and the people in our life play a crucial role in our mental health. Ask yourself

“Do you feel supported, valued, and respected?”
“Do the people you spend time with uplift you, or drain you?”
“Is this connection healthy for me right now”?

Perhaps it’s time to create a healthy boundary and/or take some time away from the people who maybe feeling toxic right now, to recoup your energy.

5. Am I engaging in activities that bring me joy and fulfilment?  

When our external stress is at capacity, we forget about the simple act of doing things that bring us joy. If you are giving out all your energy to work, or other people’s problems – life is going to feel bleak really quickly. Ask yourself:
 
“When was the last time I did something just for the fun of it?”
“What is one thing that I could do, to bring more joy into my week?”
 
If you’re looking for ideas for spending quality time with yourself, perhaps try one of these:

• Take off on an adventure, go on a bike ride
• Go to see a funny movie
• Grab a good book and go on a picnic
• Spend time in nature
• Baking or cooking (for no particular reason!)
• Puzzles, painting or crafting
• Organise dinner with a friend who always makes you laugh

​Remember, checking in on your mental health is an ongoing process. It’s essential to be honest with yourself and seek support if you notice any persistent concerns or challenges.

There is no downside from ever working on your mindset or making some simple chances to your daily habits!

​Our minds are powerful and valuable, but they can be tricky to master when situational anxiety flares up.

Some people find they thrive in new experiences and love meeting new people. If you are one of those people, my hat goes off to you! Like many others, embracing the new is something I have had to learn how to love.

If you’ve ever tried to support a loved one with anxiety, you’ll know that new events and situations where they are standing an abyss of so many unknown’s and all the uncertainty their fear can be debilitating.

When it begins to unfold in front of us it’s like the person is fighting a battle we can’t see. We don’t exactly know what to do, or how to fix it. We want our loved one to listen to reason and be OK. But their fear can be so convincing that they believe something (everything!) bad is going to happen.

As a Mindset Coach I want to share with you a proactive tool to help you to help them deescalate the situation, using a concept called reframing fear to excitement.

REFRAME FEAR - TO - EXCITEMENT

This tool will help your loved one calm the mind and move forward feeling more excited and confident.

1. Listen for the core language of anxiety. Words can be your guide to understanding when a person’s fear starting to building.

A tell-tale sign is: WHAT IF (a bad thing happens)?
WHAT IF (a negative outcome)?
WHAT IF (resistance language "I can't")
OR when you hear the person worst case scenario planning. (plan A, B, C, D)

2. Immediately get them to stop and ask them to take a breath.

This will halt the mind bringing their awareness back into the body, and circumvent the thought process.

3. Reframe their language.

This may take a little practice but start by repeating their “What IF” statement BUT instead of a bad ending you insert a good, or happy ending for them. Shifting the mindset to a positive outcome.

“What IF it all turns out better than you could imagine?

4. Make the “unknown” known.

Anxiety often sparks due to a fear of the unknown or uncertainty. Ask yourself and affirm what is known.

What do we know about this situation? What can we be certain of? What is within our control.

5. Help them to understand that anxiety and excitement have the same vibrational feeling in the body.

“You must excited? Imagine all the cool people you are going to meet, and all the fun you will have. Those butterfly’s show up when you get excited right?”

6. Reaffirm the excitement and positive outcome.

“I am excited for you! This is going to be so fun. You’ll have a great time. Everyone will love meeting you, you have so much to offer.”
​

​Recently, my almost 10yo son joined a new activity after school in Singapore with a group of kids that were older than him on a subject he was lacking in confidence.

Even though he originally said he wanted to do this activity, the day of the first group event was looming, and he was beginning to drag his heels saying he no longer wanted to go.

I get it, kids making friends and meeting new people can be overwhelming. But as a family we decided a long time ago to always make an effort to give it 1 chance. Then we can decide after that whether we keep it or ditch it. Usually, we keep it – as we are not in the habit of letting our fear of the unknown rule our lives anymore.

In the car on the way to there, I could see his mind start to tick, tick, tick.

He began to ask:

• What IF I don’t know anyone?
• What IF no one likes me?
• What IF I can’t do it?”

Immediately I knew as soon as he said “WHAT IF” this was fear talking, not his rational mind. His core language trigger to me was the phrase “What IF” followed by a resistance word (don’t, can’t) and a negative outcome.

I could hear his anxiety building and this was a great opportunity to help him de-escalate the fear.

I asked him to stop right there and take a breath.

We took a big deep breath together.

I then proceeded to use the power of positive language to reframe and shift his mind from the most terrible outcome he is imaging, to a good ending.

I repeated his “What IF” back to him with a positive outcome:

• “What IF you have an amazing time and make a whole group of new friends?”
• “What IF you can do it and do it so well that you walk out of there feeling proud of yourself?”

I then helped him to make the “unknown” known by focusing on a previous experience.

• “Remember you’ve done this this activity before. You know the teacher, and you like her. Every other time you’ve done this activity you enjoyed it. You came home telling me how great it was.”
• “Remember how when you went to basketball camp, and you didn’t know a single person then on day 1 you made a new awesome friend.”
• “Remember how fun and exciting it was to meet new people and try new things!”

I reminded him that fear and excitement have the same vibrational feeling of alarm in the body.

“You must be feeling those excited butterflies in your tummy again. Excited butterflies come when we do fun and exciting things right?”

We walked into the building and up the escalator into the activity room, we took the long way to get there - moving the body is very helpful to release stress hormones.

We arrived and he turned to me and said “Mum, I am excited about this 😊”.

I said, “Yes buddy, I am excited for you too – this is going to be so much fun!”.

And it was fun, he had a blast. We pre-framed it to be a good experience. 

I picked him up an hour later and he raved about the activity and everyone in it. He smashed the activity and cannot wait to go again.

We pre-empted for a good ending and primed his mind for fun. He could now feel the excitement buzzing withing his body INSTEAD of the fear.

The entire process took us 5 minutes. You can absolutely do this too! With children AND adults. 
 
It’s so easy to allow fear to jump into the driver seat and take control of new situations where there are so many unknowns. But every time we do, fear wins. It takes our mind away from the joy and the fun of living in the present moment.

When we treat our loved ones who struggle with anxiety with a level of compassion that also takes positive action we can begin to help them to learn how to bring their own anxiety alarm down and enjoy new experiences for what they are, FUN.
 
I hope these suggestions help you support a loved one with anxiety.
 
If you have any questions or comments, please reach out. If you or someone you know is sick of struggling with their anxiety I run a program called “Freedom from Anxiety” for women who are ready to feel more carefree and confident in all areas of their life.

To learn more about Janel's Freedom from Anxiety Program 1:1 Coaching head here.