​Our minds are powerful and valuable, but they can be tricky to master when situational anxiety flares up.

Some people find they thrive in new experiences and love meeting new people. If you are one of those people, my hat goes off to you! Like many others, embracing the new is something I have had to learn how to love.

If you’ve ever tried to support a loved one with anxiety, you’ll know that new events and situations where they are standing an abyss of so many unknown’s and all the uncertainty their fear can be debilitating.

When it begins to unfold in front of us it’s like the person is fighting a battle we can’t see. We don’t exactly know what to do, or how to fix it. We want our loved one to listen to reason and be OK. But their fear can be so convincing that they believe something (everything!) bad is going to happen.

As a Mindset Coach I want to share with you a proactive tool to help you to help them deescalate the situation, using a concept called reframing fear to excitement.

REFRAME FEAR - TO - EXCITEMENT

This tool will help your loved one calm the mind and move forward feeling more excited and confident.

1. Listen for the core language of anxiety. Words can be your guide to understanding when a person’s fear starting to building.

A tell-tale sign is: WHAT IF (a bad thing happens)?
WHAT IF (a negative outcome)?
WHAT IF (resistance language "I can't")
OR when you hear the person worst case scenario planning. (plan A, B, C, D)

2. Immediately get them to stop and ask them to take a breath.

This will halt the mind bringing their awareness back into the body, and circumvent the thought process.

3. Reframe their language.

This may take a little practice but start by repeating their “What IF” statement BUT instead of a bad ending you insert a good, or happy ending for them. Shifting the mindset to a positive outcome.

“What IF it all turns out better than you could imagine?

4. Make the “unknown” known.

Anxiety often sparks due to a fear of the unknown or uncertainty. Ask yourself and affirm what is known.

What do we know about this situation? What can we be certain of? What is within our control.

5. Help them to understand that anxiety and excitement have the same vibrational feeling in the body.

“You must excited? Imagine all the cool people you are going to meet, and all the fun you will have. Those butterfly’s show up when you get excited right?”

6. Reaffirm the excitement and positive outcome.

“I am excited for you! This is going to be so fun. You’ll have a great time. Everyone will love meeting you, you have so much to offer.”
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​Recently, my almost 10yo son joined a new activity after school in Singapore with a group of kids that were older than him on a subject he was lacking in confidence.

Even though he originally said he wanted to do this activity, the day of the first group event was looming, and he was beginning to drag his heels saying he no longer wanted to go.

I get it, kids making friends and meeting new people can be overwhelming. But as a family we decided a long time ago to always make an effort to give it 1 chance. Then we can decide after that whether we keep it or ditch it. Usually, we keep it – as we are not in the habit of letting our fear of the unknown rule our lives anymore.

In the car on the way to there, I could see his mind start to tick, tick, tick.

He began to ask:

• What IF I don’t know anyone?
• What IF no one likes me?
• What IF I can’t do it?”

Immediately I knew as soon as he said “WHAT IF” this was fear talking, not his rational mind. His core language trigger to me was the phrase “What IF” followed by a resistance word (don’t, can’t) and a negative outcome.

I could hear his anxiety building and this was a great opportunity to help him de-escalate the fear.

I asked him to stop right there and take a breath.

We took a big deep breath together.

I then proceeded to use the power of positive language to reframe and shift his mind from the most terrible outcome he is imaging, to a good ending.

I repeated his “What IF” back to him with a positive outcome:

• “What IF you have an amazing time and make a whole group of new friends?”
• “What IF you can do it and do it so well that you walk out of there feeling proud of yourself?”

I then helped him to make the “unknown” known by focusing on a previous experience.

• “Remember you’ve done this this activity before. You know the teacher, and you like her. Every other time you’ve done this activity you enjoyed it. You came home telling me how great it was.”
• “Remember how when you went to basketball camp, and you didn’t know a single person then on day 1 you made a new awesome friend.”
• “Remember how fun and exciting it was to meet new people and try new things!”

I reminded him that fear and excitement have the same vibrational feeling of alarm in the body.

“You must be feeling those excited butterflies in your tummy again. Excited butterflies come when we do fun and exciting things right?”

We walked into the building and up the escalator into the activity room, we took the long way to get there - moving the body is very helpful to release stress hormones.

We arrived and he turned to me and said “Mum, I am excited about this 😊”.

I said, “Yes buddy, I am excited for you too – this is going to be so much fun!”.

And it was fun, he had a blast. We pre-framed it to be a good experience. 

I picked him up an hour later and he raved about the activity and everyone in it. He smashed the activity and cannot wait to go again.

We pre-empted for a good ending and primed his mind for fun. He could now feel the excitement buzzing withing his body INSTEAD of the fear.

The entire process took us 5 minutes. You can absolutely do this too! With children AND adults. 
 
It’s so easy to allow fear to jump into the driver seat and take control of new situations where there are so many unknowns. But every time we do, fear wins. It takes our mind away from the joy and the fun of living in the present moment.

When we treat our loved ones who struggle with anxiety with a level of compassion that also takes positive action we can begin to help them to learn how to bring their own anxiety alarm down and enjoy new experiences for what they are, FUN.
 
I hope these suggestions help you support a loved one with anxiety.
 
If you have any questions or comments, please reach out. If you or someone you know is sick of struggling with their anxiety I run a program called “Freedom from Anxiety” for women who are ready to feel more carefree and confident in all areas of their life.

To learn more about Janel's Freedom from Anxiety Program 1:1 Coaching head here.

A loss of identity and a crash of confidence can feel confronting, challenging and weird (especially when living overseas!). But it is possible to overcome it and get back to you.

When I moved to Singapore from Melbourne in 2022, this was not my first rodeo at what they call becoming a “Trailing Spouse”. In 2007, my then boyfriend (now husband!) took a promotion within our company and we moved to the USA for 2 years, our first experience with the expat life.

The experience was all parts incredible AND super challenging for me.

At the time we were young and free! Dual income with zero responsibilities (remember that?!)- no kids, pets or mortgage! We both worked hard and played hard. We travelled EVERYWHERE, said yes to opportunities, and totally lived it up the experience.

But not long after moving cracks began to appear in my mindset and mental health. Trailing spouse depression and identity loss is absolutely a thing, that I had no idea about. It wasn't in the brochure!

As a fiercely independent woman of 30 I had NEVER before “given up my life” and put my own aspirations (and needs!) on hold for someone else … who at that time hadn’t even “put a ring on it” yet, as Queen B would say.
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• I battled feelings of resentment, at what I was missing out on in my career
• I missed my support network dearly, my friends and family who really knew me
• I struggled with insecurities in making new friends, as a more introverted person
• I felt lost and uncertain of myself – Who am I here? What value do I bring? What about what I want? Why does he get to make all the decisions?
• I was anxious about the future and the unknowns for us

I had all the negative feelings, while watching my partner THRIVE in his work and his personal friendships. As you can imagine, this caused a massive strain in our relationship. 

​I had lost my sense of identity, my value and self-worth.

I realise now I had put all my happiness eggs in his basket in the relationship, expecting him to be EVERYTHING for me 24/7. I wanted him to fix me! And make me happy! Of course, that pressure was too much.

Thankfully, this was a wake up call for me, a turning point where I decided I needed to work on me. I enrolled in University and went back to study, and I enlisted the help of my first NLP Coach and began the journey of understanding who I am, and what I wanted.

Fast forward 13 years marriage, one child, becoming a Mindset Coach myself and surviving a pandemic - we decide to move to Singapore last year for expat #2. Suffice to say this time I was more prepared.

I spent my first few months noticing common themes throughout conversation I was having with other expat women here in Singapore.

Pandemic burnout, overwhelm from moving to Asia without a support network, and anxiety arising from uncertainty and changes in working visas were recurring topics at every coffee meet up I joined.
I began hearing echoes of the SAME feelings that I used to have.

So many women who had moved for their partners career were suffering from an identity loss leaving them with too much time to think and worry about finances in the future.

Although very grateful to be in Singapore for the expat experience, frustrations were felt around being unable to work and the fact that they put their life and career on hold to support their other half.

This was the catalyst for me deciding to expand my Mindset Coaching business in Singapore. To be able to help these women who are feeling this sense of identity loss. To support those struggling with stress anxiety and ever growing “imposter syndrome” that come with big life changes.

New Life Phase

A loss of identity can happen at any time it does not relate to age or gender. Experts reveal that it can be triggered when a person enters a new life phase that makes them question their basic understanding of self. Major events such as changing careers, becoming apparent, ending a long-term relationship or moving to a new place can be a catalyst for those uncomfortable feelings where you just feel a bit, well, off.

Research shows that relocation is the third most stressful life event possible.

On top of this according to an InterNations survey, it's the partner of the expat with the job who tends to be more susceptible to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety and who is negatively affected by the move. Typically, this is because they:
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• Have given up more for the move and find that they missed their personal support network (63%)
• Have struggled with forfeiting their previous career (60%)
• Dislike being financially dependent on their partner (65%)
• Experience their partner always working long hours in their job (52%)
• Are often expected to organise all practical aspects of moving and living abroad (51%)

(Tick, tick, tick from my experience way back in 2007!)

In the beginning, the expat partner tends to focus on everyone else's happiness and getting the family settled as the priority. Once the transition is complete and all the tasks are done the questions begin to arise what do I do now? What is my purpose here? Where do I fit in? Who am I? Feelings of resentment, frustration, sadness, and hopelessness can set in.

How to Shift Your Mindset

The first step to navigate any big life change where you're feeling this sense of identity lost is begin to shift your mindset and try to see this journey, or new phase of your life, as an opportunity for personal growth, development and expansion.

Here are 6 key points to help you get started:

1. Choose Acceptance
Finding a place of acceptance for the circumstances you're in right now is key. Remembering that if your mind is too far in the past thinking about all the things that you don't have, you will continue to feel stuck. If your mind is too far in the future, you'll continue to feel anxious by the uncertainty. Both thought processes make it harder to find happiness and be in the present moment. Do note that acceptance doesn't necessarily mean that you have to surrender or like the situation, but having a willingness to accept your circumstances will release the resistance in the mind that creates undue stress.

2. Create Routine
Routine serves as an anchor. Predictable, repetitive routines are calming and help reduce stress and anxiety. Formulating a weekly schedule can help you feel more motivated, organised and productive. How you begin and end your day matters. Are you feeding your mind with positive information and thoughts when you wake up? Are you feeding your body with nourishing food of movement during the day? Are you getting enough sleep?

3. Embrace Exploration
Use this time to discover more about who you are:

• What is something you haven't done for a while that you used to love doing?
• What is something you've always wanted to learn about or study?
• Is there a gap in your skill set you could focus on feeling right now?
• Is there a hobby or sport you have wanted to try but never got around to?
• What is something you enjoy reading about, or could talk about for hours?
• What brings you joy?

 
4. Connect
Recognise that you're not alone in your feelings. It can feel daunting to build interpersonal relationships in a new country but connecting with others and sharing your emotions can be very healing.

5. Catch Self-Doubt
When negative or unhelpful thoughts creep into your mind, questioning your value or worth, practice catching the thought before it spirals. Understand that not every thought you think is factual, and feelings are not facts. The mind has a protection mechanism that wants to keep you safe. Instead of believing and listening to unkind self-doubt call it out by asking, “Where is the evidence to support this?” or “What is causing me to feel this way?”.

6. Reframe Your Language
The words we choose have a positive or negative effect on our mindset. If you believe it's hard and say to yourself “This is hard, I hate this, I don't want this” then it will no doubt be harder for you. Whereas if you use more empowering words such as “I can do this, I can overcome this challenge” the mind will be more open to change and all the possibilities.


This article was originally published ANZA (The Australia & New Zealand Association) Magazine Singapore, March 2023 edition (pg 34-35).

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​About the Author: Janel Briggs is a NLP and Timeline Therapy Practitioner on a mission to support women across Australia and Singapore in healing their professional anxieties, insecurities and imposter syndrome to build unwavering confidence and self-belief. The goal is to level up your life and career by learning how to to live fearless and anxiety free! Connect with Janel on social media via Linkedin or Instagram.

The truth is… when we live in a world where we are expecting other people to react or respond to us in the way WE WANT them to… we are only ever going to be the ones feeling let down.

Why?  Well, we actually have zero control over other people. We cannot control the way they react or respond to us, or the things that happen in relationships.

We can hope, wish, dream, push and pull that person to our expectation level – and yet, NOTHING is ever going to happen the way we expect it to. So, what happens then?

• Feelings of resentment rise up
• Feelings of disappointment rise up
• Feelings of frustration and hurt rise up

Sometimes even a deep seeded feeling of sadness overcomes us – from that emotional disconnection. The disconnect of how you expected a person to behave, or for how things were supposed to have played out.

I want to share with you that EXPECTATION... is actually a type of control. Essentially it is where we are attempting to control the outcomes.

I say WE, because I am no stranger to putting expectations on people. I used to put people and certain relationships in my life on a pedestal. And then I could never work out why I felt so deeply wounded when things didn't play out how I had ex[ected. It was so much more than disappointment. It was a wound and crack.

It was my own unachievable expectations... hurting ME.

Many many years ago, in a romantic relationship I viewed a person in my life as better than me. I raised him up onto a golden throne, put his hopes and dreams and money-making ability ahead of mine.  In my mind I fantasized about how it would all work, how he would respond to the glory of me supporting his dream, and how he would act in kind love and gratitude for this service and in turn support me emotionally and financially. And make me happy. THE END.

I actually set him up to FAIL ME.

I EXPECTED him to be the person I had imagined in my mind, when in fact the reality in front of me showed nothing of the sort. I wasn’t allowing him to be the person that he always was, OR accepting him for who he was.

Looking back now I realise that my expectations killed my happiness.

Nothing was ever good enough to the imagined scenario in my head. How could it be? I expected too much - how could anyone one person ever live up to those grand expectations?? So much PRESSURE. And of course, when things didn’t happen as I had expected - I responded to my hurt and "wounds" by lashing out in resentment and frustration. (I was a fire-cracker in my twenties!) Then isolate feeling deeply disconnected.  Obviously, that relationship didn't last.

One of the biggest learnings in my life has been that having high expectations of people, is only ever going to hurt YOU.

Instead of having expectations, I learnt how to have STANDARDS. 

Standards are awesome, they are based on fact.
A standard is a level of quality you want to have within a person or relationship in your life.

Expectations are based on fiction.
An expectation is a strong "belief" (hope/wish) that something is going to happen the way you want it to, in the future. 

So, how do you create this shift within your relationships?

1. Calibrate your expectations on a person’s behaviour

If a person in your life is showing you their “standard behaviour” and it doesn’t align with your personal values – then know that putting an expectation on them to BE SOMEONE DIFFERENT or act differently is only ever going to hurt you.

Drop your expectations. Create your standards.

If someone is treating you a certain way that is upsetting you, and when you calibrate on current and past experiences you realise this is their "standard behaviour" towards you = then you have a choice.

Do you accept this persons standard behaviour?  If this is as good as it gets - are you happy with how it is going to be?

What behaviour will you allow, or and not allow in your life? 

2. All you can control is your own emotions

How WE REACT and RESPOND to the people, situations, and conversations in our lives is the only thing we can control in our life.

It’s a hard truth to learn, and I am grateful for the lesson. I learnt that if I stopped having expectations of people in my life (and focussed on standards instead) - I could accept and value people for WHO THEY REALLY ARE.

Accepting the reality of the situation, not living with an expectation of how it “should be” means you will be able to have more control over your emotions.

You are no longer pressing someone to be someone they are not. 
AND on the flip side they aren’t trying to constantly live up to your expectations, and failing you. 

This allows you to feel more connected and happier in their presence.  No longer are we playing this “game” of attempting to control the story or the outcome! 

You be you.  And I’ll focus on me being me.

So, how do you actually release your expectations? A good question to ask yourself is:

“Are my expectations… killing my happiness?”

• Am I expecting someone or something to be different than what it REALLY is?
• What is this persons repeated behaviour actually telling me?
• Does this person’s behaviour align with my standards and personal values?
• Am I forcing an outcome and expecting someone to give me something they actually can’t give me?

Then, return the focus back to you:

• Why am I expecting someone or something to be what it is not?
• What do I need out of this relationship, or situation that I am not getting?
• Am I willing to accept this person/relationship/situation as is?
• Can I release my expectations, knowing that doing so will allow me to have more control over my emotions and my happiness?

I know this is a big topic, and you may just be scratching the surface with these thought starters- if you've been struggling in this area then I hope this blog has helped you to find some clarity. Share your experience with me any time!
JB

One of the key reasons I was drawn to the coaching methodology of NLP was because the foundation itself is based on communication. It is all about our language. The way we speak to ourselves, speak to people, use our body language and our ability to actively listen to get to the root cause of a problem.

I have always had a fascination with communication. Creative writing was one of my favourite subjects at school, later in my 30’s I studied Public Relations which is essentially communicating a message to influence with words, still and moving imagery, and media.

Words have meaning, and often they have double meanings. It is the way we speak words that gives them emotion.

After learning how certain words have a NEGATIVE charge on our life I opted to delete a few from my vocab; here’s why:

The word “TRY” – a wishy washy word, that we all know means you won’t do it!  

• Think about it - whenever you say “I’ll TRY to make it” everyone knows you are going to be there! You just didn’t want to say no and hurt anyone’s feelings or have fomo. Try implies you will “attempt” to do something. In that attempt you just aren’t sure if you will or you won’t. When you try you may or may not give it 100%. In my view you’re either in or out. You either believe in it or you don’t. If it is anything less than 100% - then just be honest and say what you really mean.

The word “DON’T” – I hear this one too often! “I don’t want that, or I don’t like it when he/she does this it makes me feel X”.

• The more you say the word “don’t” the further AWAY you move yourself (your mind and your actions) from what you actually WANT.  And you typically get more of what you don’t want!  Whereas reframing your language to focus on what you “WANT” … will give you more of what you actually want - LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!! (ahhhhhuh lol).

 
Now that little rant is over… let’s talk about the word of the day:

SHOULD

Louise Hay, author of many many personal development books explains this word the best:

“The word should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying it's“WRONG”. Either we ARE wrong, or WERE wrong, or we are GOING TO BE wrong.”

I have to agree with her.

Think about it for a moment. Can you think of a situation when someone recently has said to you:

“You SHOULD do this, or you SHOULD handle it like that, or you SHOULD go this way” – How does that make you feel?

When I’ve been on the receiving end of “Should” talking - I know full well I am not taking that persons advice/suggestion. Even if its amazing advice! HA.  Why? There is some sort of internal radar to the word “should” that tells me DO NOT DO IT! (especially if it’s my husband telling me, for some reason HAHA!). 

How about you? 

It is because we feel like the person is saying we have handled it WRONG, or we cannot handle the situation so we need to be told what to do.

Seriously, most of the time – women just want to be heard!  Agree?  We actually really want to communicate and connect - not be told what we should be doing.

SHOULD (replaced with) COULD

Now, imagine the same scenario where you’ve been told you “SHOULD” do something… and imagine hearing the word COULD instead?

“You COULD do this, or you COULD handle it like that, or you COULD go this way”. How does that feel?  Better, right?

Why? Because when we replace our language with the word COULD – then we feel as though it gives us a CHOICE. 

We don’t feel wrong, we just see it as being offered multiple options.  And it puts a whole new light on the subject.

SHOULD (replaced with) WOULD

In a recent Instagram video I shared with my thrive community the power of replacing the word “SHOULD” with “WOULD” when delivering our communication wanting to help a person to come to a decision, or give direction.
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I received some incredible feedback on how this simple shift in language has helped in the workplace when Managing a team, as well as in discussions with loved ones. Check it out here:

Now that I have opened up your awareness to the power of your language, and the negative charge certain words create - you may start to notice how often you use them?

1. Practice catching yourself before you speak. 
2. See if you can reframe the sentence - to remove old word and replace with the new
3. Notice how it makes you feel AND how the message was delivered when you speak the new sentence

​And, if you want to delete these words from your vocab – then go head!

This shift in language will help to move you closer to where you really want to be.