Have you been feeling it ?

That little (or big!) bubble of irritation coming up as you look at your partner or kids or house mates... who left this mess? Who's dishes are these? Where did that washing come from? Can you take the kids I am on a call? 

It's been a long period of ALL TOGETHERNESS during COVID-19. 
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Staying home is what we need to do, and through doing the "right thing" our RELATIONSHIPS are being tested.

We've probably never had so much time together in close quarters WITHOUT our external vices or an escape, have we?

Small things that we took for granted like being able to hit the gym, go shopping or meet friends for a catch up are non-existent.

In a research study I conducted in 2019 into Women's Stress and Anxiety in Australia the women who participated in the survey said that:

"Downloading to a friend or family member was cited as the best way to manage their stress and anxiety, closely followed by exercise and scrolling through social media/watching TV".

Our first two "go-to's" for stress release have been taken away, so I'm tipping we've gone ALL IN on the third one though without a doubt! ;)

Which if you've read my blog on Calming Your Anxious Mind at Night you'll know the extra screen time has not been ideal for our much needed sleep.

It is no wonder really without our external vices and with the lack of zzzz's that conflicts are arising at home. Behaviours or actions that wouldn't normally irritate us start to build up and really wear thin.

The reason why? We feel constraint. And it is irritating.

We are being told what we can and can't do, when we can and can't do it, and then we have to play the waiting game. It is so against our normal freedoms it feels like a friction.
And who better to take that out on... than the people we love the most. The people who are also feeling all the feelz with us!

We all know we are staying home for the "best reasons" but that doesn't change how it feels.
And no one likes feeling constraint. No one. Certainly not me.

I am unable to work and create and produce anything to my usual capability under home school and ISO restrictions. Are you? It is flat out frustrating. But, at the end of the day I know we are all just doing the best we can to get through.

So, how can you settle the storms at home BEFORE a conflict arises?
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Watch below. In this video I share a few tips to help you get your mindset right, and relieve that tension before it erupts! A few simple tools to get your through working at home with your partner in ISO!

The truth is… when we live in a world where we are expecting other people to react or respond to us in the way WE WANT them to… we are only ever going to be the ones feeling let down.

Why?  Well, we actually have zero control over other people. We cannot control the way they react or respond to us, or the things that happen in relationships.

We can hope, wish, dream, push and pull that person to our expectation level – and yet, NOTHING is ever going to happen the way we expect it to. So, what happens then?

• Feelings of resentment rise up
• Feelings of disappointment rise up
• Feelings of frustration and hurt rise up

Sometimes even a deep seeded feeling of sadness overcomes us – from that emotional disconnection. The disconnect of how you expected a person to behave, or for how things were supposed to have played out.

I want to share with you that EXPECTATION... is actually a type of control. Essentially it is where we are attempting to control the outcomes.

I say WE, because I am no stranger to putting expectations on people. I used to put people and certain relationships in my life on a pedestal. And then I could never work out why I felt so deeply wounded when things didn't play out how I had ex[ected. It was so much more than disappointment. It was a wound and crack.

It was my own unachievable expectations... hurting ME.

Many many years ago, in a romantic relationship I viewed a person in my life as better than me. I raised him up onto a golden throne, put his hopes and dreams and money-making ability ahead of mine.  In my mind I fantasized about how it would all work, how he would respond to the glory of me supporting his dream, and how he would act in kind love and gratitude for this service and in turn support me emotionally and financially. And make me happy. THE END.

I actually set him up to FAIL ME.

I EXPECTED him to be the person I had imagined in my mind, when in fact the reality in front of me showed nothing of the sort. I wasn’t allowing him to be the person that he always was, OR accepting him for who he was.

Looking back now I realise that my expectations killed my happiness.

Nothing was ever good enough to the imagined scenario in my head. How could it be? I expected too much - how could anyone one person ever live up to those grand expectations?? So much PRESSURE. And of course, when things didn’t happen as I had expected - I responded to my hurt and "wounds" by lashing out in resentment and frustration. (I was a fire-cracker in my twenties!) Then isolate feeling deeply disconnected.  Obviously, that relationship didn't last.

One of the biggest learnings in my life has been that having high expectations of people, is only ever going to hurt YOU.

Instead of having expectations, I learnt how to have STANDARDS. 

Standards are awesome, they are based on fact.
A standard is a level of quality you want to have within a person or relationship in your life.

Expectations are based on fiction.
An expectation is a strong "belief" (hope/wish) that something is going to happen the way you want it to, in the future. 

So, how do you create this shift within your relationships?

1. Calibrate your expectations on a person’s behaviour

If a person in your life is showing you their “standard behaviour” and it doesn’t align with your personal values – then know that putting an expectation on them to BE SOMEONE DIFFERENT or act differently is only ever going to hurt you.

Drop your expectations. Create your standards.

If someone is treating you a certain way that is upsetting you, and when you calibrate on current and past experiences you realise this is their "standard behaviour" towards you = then you have a choice.

Do you accept this persons standard behaviour?  If this is as good as it gets - are you happy with how it is going to be?

What behaviour will you allow, or and not allow in your life? 

2. All you can control is your own emotions

How WE REACT and RESPOND to the people, situations, and conversations in our lives is the only thing we can control in our life.

It’s a hard truth to learn, and I am grateful for the lesson. I learnt that if I stopped having expectations of people in my life (and focussed on standards instead) - I could accept and value people for WHO THEY REALLY ARE.

Accepting the reality of the situation, not living with an expectation of how it “should be” means you will be able to have more control over your emotions.

You are no longer pressing someone to be someone they are not. 
AND on the flip side they aren’t trying to constantly live up to your expectations, and failing you. 

This allows you to feel more connected and happier in their presence.  No longer are we playing this “game” of attempting to control the story or the outcome! 

You be you.  And I’ll focus on me being me.

So, how do you actually release your expectations? A good question to ask yourself is:

“Are my expectations… killing my happiness?”

• Am I expecting someone or something to be different than what it REALLY is?
• What is this persons repeated behaviour actually telling me?
• Does this person’s behaviour align with my standards and personal values?
• Am I forcing an outcome and expecting someone to give me something they actually can’t give me?

Then, return the focus back to you:

• Why am I expecting someone or something to be what it is not?
• What do I need out of this relationship, or situation that I am not getting?
• Am I willing to accept this person/relationship/situation as is?
• Can I release my expectations, knowing that doing so will allow me to have more control over my emotions and my happiness?

I know this is a big topic, and you may just be scratching the surface with these thought starters- if you've been struggling in this area then I hope this blog has helped you to find some clarity. Share your experience with me any time!
JB

I have no doubt you’ve been feeling it during this 2020 Australian bushfire crisis.

As we sit and watch the devastation unfold, even though we are far removed - maybe hundreds or thousands of kilometers away from the threat - that anxious feeling of worry and hopelessness is overwhelming.
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I have felt it too. I’ve donated, I’ve raised awareness, I’ve dropped off food, and offered my house to displaced family.  And yet, I keep thinking – what more can I do?? And what I realised was, this. 

I can front up, face my own worry, fear, and sadness and share with you how I've been keeping myself and my mindset in check. In hope that it helps relieve your pain too.

1. Accept that We Are Powerless Over this Crisis Situation
In the big picture of this bushfire crisis we have no power over Mother Nature. We have no way of knowing which way the wind will blow. No way of knowing if the temperature will spike, or the when rain will come (please pray). Or, how long this will go on for.
 
Our fear and anxiety comes from there being so many “unknowns”.
 
But, there are actually some factors that do we know right? Let’s break it down:

• We know this is a bushfire situation
• We know that trained emergency personnel are doing their best to keep everyone safe
• We know that people in effected areas have action plans in place, they want to be safe too
• We know that organisations are stepping up to help with evacuations and disaster relief
• We know that people are “doing something” all over Australia to help in this crisis

 
We may be powerless over Mother Nature, but together WE are all dong what we can to help.

2. Purge your feelings on paper (not social media)
Get out a pen and paper and purge all your feelings. Purge that ill feeling of angst, the worry, and the fear that is coming up.  The anger, the frustration. The sadness, and just have a cry. Let it all out.
 
Ask yourself “What specifically am I anxious about”
 
Through purging we release the emotions and lighten the burden, and often find clarity after writing. Often a learning or an idea of how you can help in a resourceful way comes to light.
 
I know how good it feels to be a keyboard warrior – ranting and letting all your frustrated emotions out on social media. However, often these posts can do more harm than good. Sometimes it sparks anger in others with differing opinions and that intense emotion can be directed right back at you. When you’re already anxious and feeling raw, that counterattack can be debilitating. And it takes the focus off the main thing – helping people, communities, families, lives to heal after the crisis.

3. Make an Action List of Things YOU Can Do. Big Or Small.  
We may be powerless over the situation – however, we still have a voice and we can act. One person can do a lot – but when we come together as MANY we can make a huge impact.
 
We can raise awareness, donate money/time, fundraise, offer our services, support the people in need, lobby politicians, etc etc.  Collectively we CAN DO  so much.
 
In this bushfire crisis I have already seen the power of the human spirit rise up in everyday people to help wherever they can. It has brought me to tears on many occasions.

4. Limit Your News Intake and Social Media  
Limit yourself to checking in only once or twice per day to the TV coverage or online news. Preferably not grabbing your phone or turning on the TV as soon as you wake up, and defiantly NOT before bed. 
 
The crisis is on every channel, on every radio station, the news is EVERYWHERE. It can be all consuming to you, specially if you are worried about loved ones and are anxiously awaiting updates.  

Absorbing that much negative news and sadness can be detrimental to your mental health.
 
If you are being paralysed by the horrific images and deep sadness and it is stopping you from doing what you need to do then you are no help to anyone. Not your family, not your colleagues, and defiantly not the people in need.
 
Checking in to get updates a couple times a day from one or two sources will lessen that level of anxiety. My advice – check in at 10am and 6pm. Get the update, watch what you need to and then take a break from it, get back to your action list.

It’s tempting to be glued to social media and the news. We want to be involved, we care, we have empathy - I have slipped up during this crisis too. It did me no favours. I couldn’t show up and do my part, because I was consumed by the sadness.

5. Wake up to a healthy Morning Routine  
It doesn’t have to take up much of your time. Roll out of bed and begin your day with a short 5 minute guided mediation will help to calm your mind and do wonders for your emotional resilience.
 
Spend time journalling as you eat breakfast, writing out your gratitude list, sending kind thoughts and love to the people in need all helps to refocus your mind on the good, and to raise the energy vibration of the planet to love and compassion for healing.

6. HALT – Don’t attempt to make any big decisions while you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  
Eating well during the day, drinking lots of water, going for a walk, or exercising will keep your body running well, so that your mind runs well.  Take care of yourself.
 
Making big decisions when you are feeling low or frazzled is never a good idea. HALT, take the time to rest and nurture yourself, so you can give more.

7. Keep Your Hands Busy  
When your mind starts racing and that anxiety is spiking - get up, move your body and keep your hands busy. It will help calm your racing mind.  Too much idle time alone our thoughts can wander.
 
Find some tasks to do, at home or work. Nothing to complex, anything to keep your hands busy. It will help.

8. Remember, This Too Shall Pass  
Keep your mind in the present moment, not thinking too far ahead. Sometimes a few deep breaths can bring you back to the present.

Remember that this too shall pass, saying it to yourself as often as you need.

This crisis will pass (hopefully soon) and all we can do is take one day at a time. Sometimes it is an hour at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. Doing what we can with the resources that we have.  Perhaps saying to yourself:

“I will not focus on solving all of today’s issues or tomorrow’s problems now. I release all worries from my mind and allow my mind time to rest”
 
I send peace from my heart to the families and communities who have lost so much across Australia, peace to our blackened bushland and all of our divine trees, peace to all our wildlife who perished. Our collective hearts weep for you. When we come together and unite as ONE we will get through this. 

Thinking of you all.
JB

The One of the key reasons I was drawn to the coaching methodology of NLP was because the foundation itself is based on communication. It is all about our language. The way we speak to ourselves, speak to people, use our body language and our ability to actively listen to get to the root cause of a problem.

I have always had a fascination with communication. Creative writing was one of my favourite subjects at school, later in my 30’s I studied Public Relations which is essentially communicating a message to influence with words, still and moving imagery, and media.

Words have meaning, and often they have double meanings. It is the way we speak words that gives them emotion.

After learning how certain words have a NEGATIVE charge on our life I opted to delete a few from my vocab; here’s why:

The word “TRY” – a wishy washy word, that we all know means you won’t do it!  

• Think about it - whenever you say “I’ll TRY to make it” everyone knows you are going to be there! You just didn’t want to say no and hurt anyone’s feelings or have fomo. Try implies you will “attempt” to do something. In that attempt you just aren’t sure if you will or you won’t. When you try you may or may not give it 100%. In my view you’re either in or out. You either believe in it or you don’t. If it is anything less than 100% - then just be honest and say what you really mean.

The word “DON’T” – I hear this one too often! “I don’t want that, or I don’t like it when he/she does this it makes me feel X”.

• The more you say the word “don’t” the further AWAY you move yourself (your mind and your actions) from what you actually WANT.  And you typically get more of what you don’t want!  Whereas reframing your language to focus on what you “WANT” … will give you more of what you actually want - LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!! (ahhhhhuh lol).

 
Now that little rant is over let’s talk...

The word "SHOULD"!

Louise Hay, author of many many personal development books explains this word the best:

“The word should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying it's“WRONG”. Either we ARE wrong, or WERE wrong, or we are GOING TO BE wrong.”

I have to agree with her.

Think about it for a moment. Can you think of a situation when someone recently has said to you:

“You SHOULD do this, or you SHOULD handle it like that, or you SHOULD go this way” – How does that make you feel?

When I’ve been on the receiving end of “Should” talking - I know full well I am not taking that persons advice/suggestion. Even if its amazing advice! HA.  Why? There is some sort of internal radar to the word “should” that tells me DO NOT DO IT! (especially if it’s my husband telling me, for some reason HAHA!). 

How about you? 

It is because we feel like the person is saying we have handled it WRONG, or we cannot handle the situation so we need to be told what to do.

Seriously, most of the time – women just want to be heard!  Agree?  We actually really want to communicate and connect - not be told what we should be doing.

SHOULD (replaced with) COULD

Now, imagine the same scenario where you’ve been told you “SHOULD” do something… and imagine hearing the word COULD instead?

“You COULD do this, or you COULD handle it like that, or you COULD go this way”. How does that feel?  Better, right?

Why? Because when we replace our language with the word COULD – then we feel as though it gives us a CHOICE. 

We don’t feel wrong, we just see it as being offered multiple options.  And it puts a whole new light on the subject.

SHOULD (replaced with) WOULD

In a recent Instagram video I shared with my thrive community the power of replacing the word “SHOULD” with “WOULD” when delivering our communication wanting to help a person to come to a decision, or give direction.
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I received some incredible feedback on how this simple shift in language has helped in the workplace when Managing a team, as well as in discussions with loved ones. Check it out here:

Now that I have opened up your awareness to the power of your language, and the negative charge certain words create - you may start to notice how often you use them?

1. Practice catching yourself before you speak. 
2. See if you can reframe the sentence - to remove old word and replace with the new
3. Notice how it makes you feel AND how the message was delivered when you speak the new sentence

​And, if you want to delete these words from your vocab – then go head!

This shift in language will help to move you closer to where you really want to be.

Being confined to 4 walls, except for a daily walk has been good for one thing though. My energy levels! I feel super connected and grounded without all the BUSY and rushing and deadlines. I realise how much I used to attempt to fit in, just wasn't working. 

How about you?
JB

The diagram below shows the "pattern interrupt" tool I share about in this video. Shifting your angry or irritated thoughts from your mind by moving the body with the simple practice of tapping your fingers and saying to yourself "Peace begins with me" calms the mind and allows you to breath.