A loss of identity and a crash of confidence can feel confronting, challenging and weird (especially when living overseas!). But it is possible to overcome it and get back to you.

When I moved to Singapore from Melbourne in 2022, this was not my first rodeo at what they call becoming a “Trailing Spouse”. In 2007, my then boyfriend (now husband!) took a promotion within our company and we moved to the USA for 2 years, our first experience with the expat life.

The experience was all parts incredible AND super challenging for me.

At the time we were young and free! Dual income with zero responsibilities (remember that?!)- no kids, pets or mortgage! We both worked hard and played hard. We travelled EVERYWHERE, said yes to opportunities, and totally lived it up the experience.

But not long after moving cracks began to appear in my mindset and mental health. Trailing spouse depression and identity loss is absolutely a thing, that I had no idea about. It wasn't in the brochure!

As a fiercely independent woman of 30 I had NEVER before “given up my life” and put my own aspirations (and needs!) on hold for someone else … who at that time hadn’t even “put a ring on it” yet, as Queen B would say.
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• I battled feelings of resentment, at what I was missing out on in my career
• I missed my support network dearly, my friends and family who really knew me
• I struggled with insecurities in making new friends, as a more introverted person
• I felt lost and uncertain of myself – Who am I here? What value do I bring? What about what I want? Why does he get to make all the decisions?
• I was anxious about the future and the unknowns for us

I had all the negative feelings, while watching my partner THRIVE in his work and his personal friendships. As you can imagine, this caused a massive strain in our relationship. 

​I had lost my sense of identity, my value and self-worth.

I realise now I had put all my happiness eggs in his basket in the relationship, expecting him to be EVERYTHING for me 24/7. I wanted him to fix me! And make me happy! Of course, that pressure was too much.

Thankfully, this was a wake up call for me, a turning point where I decided I needed to work on me. I enrolled in University and went back to study, and I enlisted the help of my first NLP Coach and began the journey of understanding who I am, and what I wanted.

Fast forward 13 years marriage, one child, becoming a Mindset Coach myself and surviving a pandemic - we decide to move to Singapore last year for expat #2. Suffice to say this time I was more prepared.

I spent my first few months noticing common themes throughout conversation I was having with other expat women here in Singapore.

Pandemic burnout, overwhelm from moving to Asia without a support network, and anxiety arising from uncertainty and changes in working visas were recurring topics at every coffee meet up I joined.
I began hearing echoes of the SAME feelings that I used to have.

So many women who had moved for their partners career were suffering from an identity loss leaving them with too much time to think and worry about finances in the future.

Although very grateful to be in Singapore for the expat experience, frustrations were felt around being unable to work and the fact that they put their life and career on hold to support their other half.

This was the catalyst for me deciding to expand my Mindset Coaching business in Singapore. To be able to help these women who are feeling this sense of identity loss. To support those struggling with stress anxiety and ever growing “imposter syndrome” that come with big life changes.

New Life Phase

A loss of identity can happen at any time it does not relate to age or gender. Experts reveal that it can be triggered when a person enters a new life phase that makes them question their basic understanding of self. Major events such as changing careers, becoming apparent, ending a long-term relationship or moving to a new place can be a catalyst for those uncomfortable feelings where you just feel a bit, well, off.

Research shows that relocation is the third most stressful life event possible.

On top of this according to an InterNations survey, it's the partner of the expat with the job who tends to be more susceptible to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety and who is negatively affected by the move. Typically, this is because they:
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• Have given up more for the move and find that they missed their personal support network (63%)
• Have struggled with forfeiting their previous career (60%)
• Dislike being financially dependent on their partner (65%)
• Experience their partner always working long hours in their job (52%)
• Are often expected to organise all practical aspects of moving and living abroad (51%)

(Tick, tick, tick from my experience way back in 2007!)

In the beginning, the expat partner tends to focus on everyone else's happiness and getting the family settled as the priority. Once the transition is complete and all the tasks are done the questions begin to arise what do I do now? What is my purpose here? Where do I fit in? Who am I? Feelings of resentment, frustration, sadness, and hopelessness can set in.

How to Shift Your Mindset

The first step to navigate any big life change where you're feeling this sense of identity lost is begin to shift your mindset and try to see this journey, or new phase of your life, as an opportunity for personal growth, development and expansion.

Here are 6 key points to help you get started:

1. Choose Acceptance
Finding a place of acceptance for the circumstances you're in right now is key. Remembering that if your mind is too far in the past thinking about all the things that you don't have, you will continue to feel stuck. If your mind is too far in the future, you'll continue to feel anxious by the uncertainty. Both thought processes make it harder to find happiness and be in the present moment. Do note that acceptance doesn't necessarily mean that you have to surrender or like the situation, but having a willingness to accept your circumstances will release the resistance in the mind that creates undue stress.

2. Create Routine
Routine serves as an anchor. Predictable, repetitive routines are calming and help reduce stress and anxiety. Formulating a weekly schedule can help you feel more motivated, organised and productive. How you begin and end your day matters. Are you feeding your mind with positive information and thoughts when you wake up? Are you feeding your body with nourishing food of movement during the day? Are you getting enough sleep?

3. Embrace Exploration
Use this time to discover more about who you are:

• What is something you haven't done for a while that you used to love doing?
• What is something you've always wanted to learn about or study?
• Is there a gap in your skill set you could focus on feeling right now?
• Is there a hobby or sport you have wanted to try but never got around to?
• What is something you enjoy reading about, or could talk about for hours?
• What brings you joy?

 
4. Connect
Recognise that you're not alone in your feelings. It can feel daunting to build interpersonal relationships in a new country but connecting with others and sharing your emotions can be very healing.

5. Catch Self-Doubt
When negative or unhelpful thoughts creep into your mind, questioning your value or worth, practice catching the thought before it spirals. Understand that not every thought you think is factual, and feelings are not facts. The mind has a protection mechanism that wants to keep you safe. Instead of believing and listening to unkind self-doubt call it out by asking, “Where is the evidence to support this?” or “What is causing me to feel this way?”.

6. Reframe Your Language
The words we choose have a positive or negative effect on our mindset. If you believe it's hard and say to yourself “This is hard, I hate this, I don't want this” then it will no doubt be harder for you. Whereas if you use more empowering words such as “I can do this, I can overcome this challenge” the mind will be more open to change and all the possibilities.


This article was originally published ANZA (The Australia & New Zealand Association) Magazine Singapore, March 2023 edition (pg 34-35).

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​About the Author: Janel Briggs is a NLP and Timeline Therapy Practitioner on a mission to support women across Australia and Singapore in healing their professional anxieties, insecurities and imposter syndrome to build unwavering confidence and self-belief. The goal is to level up your life and career by learning how to to live fearless and anxiety free! Connect with Janel on social media via Linkedin or Instagram.

Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy and celebration. But for many people, the holidays can also be stressful and anxiety-inducing. The good news is that there are plenty of things you can do to manage your holiday stress and anxiety, so it doesn't prevent you from enjoying yourself with family and friends! 

1. Keep Your Regular Routine

Holiday stress can take over your life pretty easily, and if you're not careful, it can send you into an anxiety spin as we set aside all the good habits and things we know are good for us, while making time for the increased work and social commitments.

Don't let the “busy” of the holidays season send you off-course though, your habits are what will keep you GROUNDED in the chaos. Keep up with your regular routine as much as possible.

If you're used to going for a walk or exercising a few times a week, find a way to protect that “you time” at all costs. We always have to say no to something, don’t let it be the things you fill your energy cup with.

And if you want to know how to stay feeling calm and more relaxed - on Christmas morning while everyone else sleeps in, get up early and go for a walk or run outside to clear your mind before the big day!

2. Practice Self-Care

When it comes to self-care, there's no one size fits all approach. Be kind to yourself and listen to your body. If your calendar looks manic with events, block at least 1 or 2 nights at home with NO plans so you can pre-plan some downtime (you’ll thank me for it later!).

Take time for yourself, eat well, and prioritise getting enough sleep—these things will help you feel more rested and energised during these hectic weeks leading up to end of year.

Self-care is also being aware of mentally what you are consuming. If you find yourself staying up late watching TV to “zone out” just do yourself a favour and GO TO BED. Sleep is so much better for you than Netflix.

Or if scrolling social media seeing everyone else’s perfectly curated Christmas tree’s and happy family snaps is making you anxious (or just plain sad and overwhelmed), consider taking a break socials.
Wouldn’t it be amazing to hit the finish line well rested and some mental capacity to enjoy the festivities?

3. Make a Plan and Stay Flexible

If you are a natural planner and organiser that’s great, my suggestion then is to stay flexible. Rigid black and white thinking and “only one way to do this” mentality has caused many a family argument during the holidays.

If you can be flexible in your approach to everything, then you will be less likely to get stressed out by the things that come up.

Aunty Janice could be right, she could well have the stuffing recipe out there – it doesn’t mean yours is any less - you of course could be right too. There are always multiple ways of doing a single thing.
The person with the most flexibility in this situation is going to be the master of their own emotions and have the most fun. Who wants to be held back in judgement about something a simple as a stuffing recipe?! Not me. Janice – do your thing.

4. Don't Be Afraid to Say "No"

You probably like to get involved in everything; you may even have FOMO at times when you don’t have a finger in every pie. But setting healthy boundaries for your time is VERY important at this time of year.

We do not want to take any held resentments into the new year! So, don't let others pressure you into doing things you don't want to do. It is not your job to be everywhere at once and make everyone happy. Saying no is necessary and healthy!

If you're feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday activities on your plate, then ask for help or simply decline an invitation altogether. It's okay, people can respect your decisions just as much as they expect others will respect theirs.

5. Delegate Like a Boss

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, then it’s time to delegate. You do not have to do it all. Remember the saying “Many hands make light work”. People also actually like to help and feel needed, so delegate. Get everyone involved so you don’t feel overburdened by the work that needs to get done.
 
Everyone knows you can do it all, but you may kill every last bit of energy you have in the process!  

6. Let it Be

If you find yourself stuck worrying and pre-empting about all the WHAT IFs of Christmas Day or holiday parties - who’s coming, whether everyone will get along, who will drink to much, or say too much, or start a difficult conversation. This thought process will only ever bring you stress and anxiety, as you cannot control the outcomes of other people.

Let it be. What is going to happen will happen, no matter whether you spend 25 days worrying about what will happen.

Instead, perhaps think about why you are spending time with the people who are important to you and what the highlights of this holiday season are going to be.

And make a game plan, if something does go pear shaped at any event you can take some time out for yourself—go for a walk or listen to some music to regroup.

7. Focus on Gratitude

One of the most effective ways to manage holiday anxiety is to focus on gratitude. By being grateful for what you already have, it helps your mind stay in the present moment instead of way out to far in the future stuck on worry.
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You will start feeling less stressed about things that don't matter. Gratitude helps you appreciate the good things in your life, so it's a great way of getting into a more positive mindset.

Once you make it a habit, it'll become second nature and help you feel less stressed through any situation—even if something stressful does happen!

8. Know the Things You Can Control

You can control your energy level, how much sleep you get, what you are eating and drinking, your mindset, your time and your own personal happiness.
You cannot control anyone else, and you are also not 100% responsible for everyone else’s happiness.
When things seem out of control, reassess and reassure yourself that you are doing your best and that this is enough. If it turns out that something did not go perfectly, then accept it and release it!

9. Remember to Have Fun

Let the stress go and remember the holidays are for you to have fun too. Everything will get done that needs to get done. Connect, be present in the little moments and enjoy it. You deserve it, its been a big few years. What is it all for, if it’s not for having fun with the people we love?

10. Ask for Help  

Finally, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. If it’s not fun and everything is too much then please know you don’t have to go through this stress alone. Reach out to a friend, a family member or a professional for support. You deserve much love, peace and joy this time of year :)

Wishing you all the best
Janel Briggs

We all have limiting beliefs.

They’re those pesky, damaging, and deeply ingrained thoughts that’ve been there for years. So long in fact that we’ve become convinced that they must be true.

They’re not. Trust me.

I’ve been there and come out the other side and want you too as well.

So what are limiting beliefs?
Where did them come from?
And how can we get rid of them?

Limiting beliefs reach across all aspects of your life.
They’re thoughts or opinions that negatively impact your relationships, growth, and moving forward.


They’re the little (or loud) voice saying…

I’m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.
I’m too loud, too much, too clumsy.
I don’t deserve this.
I could never do that.
I know I’m going to fail.

During my study of timeline therapy and Neuro Linguistics Programming (NLP) coaching certification, I came to understand, and now coach, that most of our core beliefs, or how we feel or what we think about ourselves, are language patterns and programming from childhood. They’re developed when we’re young from a particular moment (or moments) in time.

Influenced by family, friends, culture, school, or society in general, someone said something, or you overheard something and, for better or for worse, you decided (consciously or unconsciously) to take on their opinion or label and carry it as your own. As your truth.

You start believing what you heard.

And over the months, years, and decades, the words become ingrained “truths” and limiting beliefs that end up adversely effecting and impacting your confidence, self-esteem, and self-belief.
And as we humans tend to do, we remember these negatives much more than the positives, making so much easier to believe these un-truths.

So now that we’ve talked about what limiting beliefs are and where they come from, let’s talk about two ways STOP and reverse these thought and beliefs about yourself.

AFFIRM\NATIONS

Affirmation are essential in countering decades of negative programming, self-talk, and limiting beliefs.

The three steps to using affirmations are personalisation, repetition, and trust.
Personalisation

Make sure your affirmations are specific and personalised to you. Start each statement with “I am…” and make sure they are ALWAYS positive. No won’ts, don’ts, or I’ll try’s. Think “I am brave” or “I am courageous”, not “I wish I was brave” or “I want to be courageous”.

Repetition
Repeat, repeat, repeat. Write your affirmation in your journal (you can get mine here). Record and listen to them on your phone. Put sticky notes up around your home. Write, read, and hear them often. Use the same affirmations day in and day out until you truly feel and believe each statement.

Trust
As difficult (and strange) as it might seem, you really do need to trust the affirmation process. While it won’t happen overnight, repeating your statements focuses the forces of energy to bring light to your desired result. Trust and believe good is coming your way and see the magic unfold.
To help you get started, or continue on your affirmation journey, visit my website to download my  free 150 Positive Affirmations list.
 
DEEP (GUIDED) WORK
While affirmations help you move forward, actually getting rid of limiting beliefs often takes deeper work.

The key to this deep work however is doing it with guidance.
Trying to “do the work” without guidance can be difficult, frustrating, and potentially upsetting.

By having a safe space to discover your underlying limiting beliefs and be guided through a process to transform these into empowering new beliefs you become your own “inner mentor”, confident and able to go forward.

So you’re not alone in the deeper work, I run a small and intimate “Silencing Your Inner Critic” group workshop every month. Together over zoom we work together for 2 hours from the comfort of your own home on:

• Understanding the power of language and reframing your negative self-talk

• Discovering where your inner critic comes from and the limiting beliefs fuelling your inner critic
• Rebuilding your confidence and reprogramming your self-doubt
• Releasing your limiting beliefs and calling in the guidance of your inner mentor

Limiting beliefs are just that, limiting.

While they’re familiar and known, they also tend to keep us surviving and not thriving.

They keep us stuck in the past unable to make real progress forwards.
Instead let’s get you thriving. Let’s get you working on reprograming your beliefs. Let me help you build unwavering self-belief and get rid of your limiting beliefs.

If you haven’t already, be sure to subscribe to my blog and YouTube channel. Download your free 150 Positive Affirmation List or get on the wait list for my next Silencing Your Inner Critic online workshop so we can do the deep work together.

At any given day, I bet you’re juggling 10 or more things at once. You’re thinking about work, home life, pets, children, friendships, family, and more.

Then December comes along and BANG, now you’re juggling all of the above PLUS present buying, holiday planning, catch ups, work celebrations, year end reflections, new year planning, etc…

With all of this added pressure (from ourselves and society), we may feel like multi-tasking is not just the best way to handle things, it’s also the only way.

Well, I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but it’s not.

While a small percentage of the population (2% according to Forbes magazine in 2017) are good at multi-tasking, for the rest of us, constantly switching between tasks and attempting to multi-task actually decreases our productivity by up to 40%.

See when we’re multi-tasking, while it may feel like we’re working faster and efficiently, we’re actually more likely just spinning our wheels, never really moving forward. We’re producing less than stellar decisions, outputs, and work. We forget what we were doing, where we’re at, and sometimes if we’ve even finished the tasks we’re trying to work through!

We’ve got tabs open on our laptops.
Links saved in our browsers.
Lists all over the place.
Scraps of paper with random notes on them.

We’re also less able to filter out irrelevant information and decrease distractions, meaning we often make mistakes which means going back and redoing the work we thought we’d completed.
In addition to this, multi-tasking also leads to:

• Mental exhaustion
• Physical exhaustion
• Brian fog
• Memory issues
• Frustration
• Outbursts
• Decision paralyses
• Increased caffeine reliance
• Mindless eating and snacking

Are you getting a clearer picture of why multi-tasking really isn’t ideal?

Yes? Good.

Now I know it might sound like the complete opposite of what you want to do, but introducing even a few of the suggestions below will go a long way in decreasing your multi-tasking habits and increase your productivity and the quality of everything you do.
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1. Focus on one thing at a time.
If you’re finishing up a report, focus on the report. Don’t click on browsers to figure out what time the shopping centres close so you can stop in after work.
 
2. Be present with whatever task you’re doing…
How can you possibly write a heartfelt Christmas card when your mind is thinking about the email you need to send to your supervisor? Write the card.
 
3. …. and THEN move on to the next one
With the card written and tucked in its envelope, now you can write up that email and give it your full attention.
 
4. Commit to “Do Not Disturb” time
It’s hard to ignore all the notifications popping up all day, so let your device do it for you. Either pause, turn off, or set your “Do Not Disturb” so you can really concentrate.
 
5. Create time blocks
Whether these are in 20minute windows or more or less, set your alarm or timer so you can stick to the task at hand (rather than bouncing from task to task) knowing that your next time block will be focussed on that task.
 
6. Shift your “big projects” to earlier in the day.
Most people work best in the mornings before decision fatigue and interruptions have kicked in, so carve out this time (by using Do Not Disturb and time blocks) to work on those bigger projects.

Here are three more important ways to reduce multi-tasking are to simplify our decision making so we don’t end up with decision fatigue.

1. Especially this month, really try and stick to a regular daily routine. This constant will help ground you when life seems all to hectic and ensure nothing gets forgotten.
2. Meal plan for the day, week, and especially any socialising where you need to bring food. Having this sorted ahead of time will free you up to focus on what’s in front of you.
3. Simplify your wardrobe by wearing a similar outfit each day or planning your outfit the day before. By doing this ahead (especially around special occasions), you’re not rushing around prepping, wrapping, and trying to get yourself ready and out the door while encouraging the kids to do the same!

For myself and my clients, I find the tips and tricks above go a long way in decreasing our multi-tasking and decision fatigue.

I want to enjoy this time of year, and want you to do the same, so let’s choose even one of the suggestions above and really commit to it.

Let’s stop multi-tasking and focus on the task at hand.

As always, I’m here to help with these and other ways to get you thriving, so be sure to subscribe to my blog above, and if you’re really keen, book in a here so we can see which of my coaching for programs might be best serve you.

Take care
JB

​Even though most of the country has opened up, many of us are still working from home.
Some by choice, some because we always have, some because you’re not allowed back into the office.

Before the pandemic I reached out to over 2,000 women on LinkedIn and asked if they’d be open to sharing their personal experiences on key triggers for stress and anxiety.

Almost half of the women (46.8%) said their career and job were the number one major source of stress in their life, followed by relationships and money. “Volume of work being overwhelming” was cited as the number one reason for work-related stress.

Considering this was before the pandemic, these results tell us that, as a collective, we were already at capacity before 2020 and 2021 hit us.

We were already at capacity before the definition of work norms and “office hours” became almost completely distorted. Before the lines between “work” and “home” became even more blurred. 

​Give these a go

Like any work situation, working from home has its pros and cons. One of the differences with working from home is that you can have (or take back) some control of the home/work life juggle.
As someone working from home and working with women who work from home for the past 5 years, I thought I’d share some practices I’ve incorporated (with trial, error, and practice) into my and my clients’ “work day” from home.

• Don’t look at anything work-related before 8am.
  Focus on your wellbeing and filling your own cup before starting your workday. Rolling over and scanning your screen before you’re even out of bed won’t do you or anyone else any favour. (You might want to try setting this expectation with the people you work with as well.)

 

• Have a consistent morning routine.
  Spend 30 minutes each morning with a routine that consist of meditating, journaling, moving your body, listening to music, eating a healthy breakfast, reading, etc… I use my Learn to Thrive Journal every morning to set me up for a stress-free start to my day.

 

• Set clear start and finish times.
  Your start and finish times don’t have to be the same each day, but scheduling times ahead will give you clear on and off times, and help structure your day.

 

• Take breaks and refuel. Give yourself time to have healthy snacks, drinks, and meals. Make time to rest your eyes, mind, and shoulders. If you need to, prepare your food before and actually schedule in rests like you would a meeting.

 

• Set an alarm 30 minutes before the end of your workday.
  Use this reminder to wrap up what you’re doing, wind down from the work, prep for tomorrow, mark off what you’ve completed, or what still needs to be done.

 

• Shut down.
  At the end of you 30 minutes, close all open files, programs, and browsers. Do this both to your laptop and your mind. This small step helps signal our bodies that it’s time to rest and transition out from work.

 

• Do something you enjoy.
  Once you’ve shut everything down, go for a walk, get some fresh air, do a mini full body stretch, play with the kids or pets, call a friend, listen to a podcast. Whatever you choose, make it something you look forward to. The more you enjoy it the more likely you are to stop working.

 

• Don’t log back on.
  Once you’ve closed everything and shut down, don’t go back. Even though your phone or laptop is right there, resist the temptation to have a “quick check” or “shoot off a quick response”.  Not only does this do you no favours, you’re likely not giving your best to your clients, colleagues, or boss.

 
Build it in

After looking over this list you might be thinking, “Great ideas Janel. I’m going to do them all!”.

Stop. Pick ONE change and do that first.

• Maybe it’s keeping your screens away from your bed.
• Maybe it’s not “checking in” before 8am or after 5pm.
• Maybe it’s having an actual break for lunch.
• Whatever you decide, start with one, and build over time.

I want you to succeed with these changes so they become regular habits and routines so they help signal your mind and body that the workday is over. That “home time” is here (even if you’ve never left it).

If you’d like help introducing and incorporating these changes into your workday (with accountability!), be sure to check out my new program Burnout Recovery, a 4 week coaching program to help you reset your daily habits and look at what is potentially continueing to fuel this exhaustion.

Working from home might be your reality in the short or long term.

Let’s get you in the best work-from-home flow so you can thrive in work, home, and life!

Almost half of those said they worked nearly TWICE as many late hours than the previous year.

And the number of hours spent working overtime? For many it went from 236 hours to a staggering 436 hours in one year. No wonder we’re all so burnt out!

In my own work, many women and clients I’ve spoken to said this year has felt like one big emotional hangover, which often leads to… burnout.

And the similarities I’ve been noticing? Emotional exhaustion + mental load = burnout

Emotional Exhaustion

Emotional exhaustion is the most common experience of burnout women feel and that I’ve seen with my clients during the last year and half.
 
Whether it’s total exhaustion from the weight of conflicting, overwhelming, and repetitive emotions or the prolonged feelings of exhaustion, frustration, fear, worry, loss, sadness, anger, resentment, and even guilt, we’ve all been feeling it.
 
The constant changes and adaptations.
The cycles of change with feelings of little control over our lives.
They all take an emotional toll.

They all lead to emotional exhaustion often followed by burnout.
 
Carrying the Mental Load

The mental load we carry is not often as obvious as emotional exhaustion.
 
But you know all those thoughts constantly swirling in our minds? The processing, analysing, overthinking? The monkey chatter and second-guessing? The doubts and fears?
 
Well, this is carrying (and often being consumed by) the mental load.
 
The mental load of our thoughts, worries, fears, and the stress that come from these patterns of repetitive (and often negative) thoughts. Of future pacing and staying five steps ahead.
 
And then there’s the over-analysing…

Have I done enough? Is there more I should be doing? Something I should’ve done? Something I shouldn’t?

The reality of carrying these constant thoughts and beliefs is that is becomes overbearing, overwhelming, and exhausting. The mental load wears us down and leads us to burn out. How could it not?
 
Making Changes

Even after we’ve recognised our emotional exhaustion and mental load and made some changes, we often still FEEL burnt out.

Confusing right?

See when we experience chronic stress these feelings can trigger negative thought, emotions, beliefs, and patterns which often triggers our bodies’ stress response.

So even if you’ve eliminated or eased the stresses and know things have changed your body never actually got the memo that everything’s ok.

It doesn’t know you’re in a good place.
You’re out of lockdown. You’ve changed jobs.
It doesn’t know you’re ok. It doesn’t know you’re safe.

Essentially what this means is that removing the stress doesn’t fully move you through burnout.
Instead it’s your behaviours.

Your behaviours tell your body things have changed and it’s ok to relax. 

This is why when you think, “I’m over that now.”, and can’t work out why you still feel so exhausted it’s because you’ve made changes to your external environment but not your internal habits and behaviours.

You need to signal your body that you ARE safe. The danger IS over.
You need to allow your body to process through the emotions, because if you don’t, you’ll likely stay in an emotionally burnout state being triggered time and time again.
 
But, nothing changes if nothing changes right?

Here are three steps you can start today to release the emotional exhaustion and lighten the mental load that can lead to burnout.

1. Be mindful and aware of repetitive thoughts or stuck emotions. Recognise and notice the thought. Acknowledge and feel the feelings, then keep moving through.
2. Journal your thoughts, worries, and possible changes. Make a list of behaviours you can do to change the signals your body gets so it knows it can feel safe and calm.
3. If you need help making these changes really stick, check out my 7 Day Stress Mindset Detox program, which provides fast relief from stress and anxiety and teaches you how to gain control over your emotions.

Or for more specialised support and accountability, I can support you with my 1-1 Coaching to help get you off the slippery slope of burnout and regain a mindset that allows you to thrive.With so much of the last year and a half filled with uncertainty and turmoil, know that what you’re feeling is being felt by millions of women around Australia.

Emotional exhaustion and carrying the mental load are real.

And remember, there are strategies and practices to assist, and I’m always here to help whether through my YouTube channel, blogs, or programs.

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1. Stop checking the stats + #’s every morning when you wake up
2. Minimise your news/social media time - IF it is causing you angst! Be intentional with what you watch. Just tap in for 10 mins a day. Or, even better - I ask my husband to relay it to me what I need to know. 
3. Get outside - even though it is winter, grey and cold and gloomy – making a pact with yourself to get fresh air, even if its miserable and wet. This will help you immensely!
4. Call your people - stay connected, check in on your friends and loved ones, keep the channels open
5. Random acts of kindness will fill your cup - I cooked a big pot of veggie soup the other day and dropped a tub off with a loaf of bread on a friends doorstep who had been unwell. It gave ME purpose, and HER some soup cooked with love :)
6. Share your feelings with someone - and if you need to reach out for professional help, there is ALWAYS some to talk to. I'll post the links to Beyond Blue and Lifeline AA and Al-Anon hotlines below.
7. Positive Affirmations + Mantra's – reprogram your mindset with positive language - when you start to spiral use this mantra:
8.                                  "I am healthy. I am safe."
9. Remember to breathe - if you do get triggered stop and use 3 deep breaths, inhale and exhale using your full diaphragm to bring you back into the present. 
10. You can control your mind! Flick the switch to stop the negative loop. Your mind is a powerful tool. Ask yourself “Is this real?"
11. Shifting the emotions with support - Calm Pro.M.Emo Essence is a natural herb essence I use for calming my body response to fear and frustration. Click the Promemo link for more info

Lastly, this too shall pass!

We’ve seen other Australian states do it and New Zealand! They are showing us what is possible.

We can too!

Have you been feeling it ?

That little (or big!) bubble of irritation coming up as you look at your partner or kids or house mates... who left this mess? Who's dishes are these? Where did that washing come from? Can you take the kids I am on a call? 

It's been a long period of ALL TOGETHERNESS during COVID-19. 
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Staying home is what we need to do, and through doing the "right thing" our RELATIONSHIPS are being tested.

We've probably never had so much time together in close quarters WITHOUT our external vices or an escape, have we?

Small things that we took for granted like being able to hit the gym, go shopping or meet friends for a catch up are non-existent.

In a research study I conducted in 2019 into Women's Stress and Anxiety in Australia the women who participated in the survey said that:

"Downloading to a friend or family member was cited as the best way to manage their stress and anxiety, closely followed by exercise and scrolling through social media/watching TV".

Our first two "go-to's" for stress release have been taken away, so I'm tipping we've gone ALL IN on the third one though without a doubt! ;)

Which if you've read my blog on Calming Your Anxious Mind at Night you'll know the extra screen time has not been ideal for our much needed sleep.

It is no wonder really without our external vices and with the lack of zzzz's that conflicts are arising at home. Behaviours or actions that wouldn't normally irritate us start to build up and really wear thin.

The reason why? We feel constraint. And it is irritating.

We are being told what we can and can't do, when we can and can't do it, and then we have to play the waiting game. It is so against our normal freedoms it feels like a friction.
And who better to take that out on... than the people we love the most. The people who are also feeling all the feelz with us!

We all know we are staying home for the "best reasons" but that doesn't change how it feels.
And no one likes feeling constraint. No one. Certainly not me.

I am unable to work and create and produce anything to my usual capability under home school and ISO restrictions. Are you? It is flat out frustrating. But, at the end of the day I know we are all just doing the best we can to get through.

So, how can you settle the storms at home BEFORE a conflict arises?
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Watch below. In this video I share a few tips to help you get your mindset right, and relieve that tension before it erupts! A few simple tools to get your through working at home with your partner in ISO!

The truth is… when we live in a world where we are expecting other people to react or respond to us in the way WE WANT them to… we are only ever going to be the ones feeling let down.

Why?  Well, we actually have zero control over other people. We cannot control the way they react or respond to us, or the things that happen in relationships.

We can hope, wish, dream, push and pull that person to our expectation level – and yet, NOTHING is ever going to happen the way we expect it to. So, what happens then?

• Feelings of resentment rise up
• Feelings of disappointment rise up
• Feelings of frustration and hurt rise up

Sometimes even a deep seeded feeling of sadness overcomes us – from that emotional disconnection. The disconnect of how you expected a person to behave, or for how things were supposed to have played out.

I want to share with you that EXPECTATION... is actually a type of control. Essentially it is where we are attempting to control the outcomes.

I say WE, because I am no stranger to putting expectations on people. I used to put people and certain relationships in my life on a pedestal. And then I could never work out why I felt so deeply wounded when things didn't play out how I had ex[ected. It was so much more than disappointment. It was a wound and crack.

It was my own unachievable expectations... hurting ME.

Many many years ago, in a romantic relationship I viewed a person in my life as better than me. I raised him up onto a golden throne, put his hopes and dreams and money-making ability ahead of mine.  In my mind I fantasized about how it would all work, how he would respond to the glory of me supporting his dream, and how he would act in kind love and gratitude for this service and in turn support me emotionally and financially. And make me happy. THE END.

I actually set him up to FAIL ME.

I EXPECTED him to be the person I had imagined in my mind, when in fact the reality in front of me showed nothing of the sort. I wasn’t allowing him to be the person that he always was, OR accepting him for who he was.

Looking back now I realise that my expectations killed my happiness.

Nothing was ever good enough to the imagined scenario in my head. How could it be? I expected too much - how could anyone one person ever live up to those grand expectations?? So much PRESSURE. And of course, when things didn’t happen as I had expected - I responded to my hurt and "wounds" by lashing out in resentment and frustration. (I was a fire-cracker in my twenties!) Then isolate feeling deeply disconnected.  Obviously, that relationship didn't last.

One of the biggest learnings in my life has been that having high expectations of people, is only ever going to hurt YOU.

Instead of having expectations, I learnt how to have STANDARDS. 

Standards are awesome, they are based on fact.
A standard is a level of quality you want to have within a person or relationship in your life.

Expectations are based on fiction.
An expectation is a strong "belief" (hope/wish) that something is going to happen the way you want it to, in the future. 

So, how do you create this shift within your relationships?

1. Calibrate your expectations on a person’s behaviour

If a person in your life is showing you their “standard behaviour” and it doesn’t align with your personal values – then know that putting an expectation on them to BE SOMEONE DIFFERENT or act differently is only ever going to hurt you.

Drop your expectations. Create your standards.

If someone is treating you a certain way that is upsetting you, and when you calibrate on current and past experiences you realise this is their "standard behaviour" towards you = then you have a choice.

Do you accept this persons standard behaviour?  If this is as good as it gets - are you happy with how it is going to be?

What behaviour will you allow, or and not allow in your life? 

2. All you can control is your own emotions

How WE REACT and RESPOND to the people, situations, and conversations in our lives is the only thing we can control in our life.

It’s a hard truth to learn, and I am grateful for the lesson. I learnt that if I stopped having expectations of people in my life (and focussed on standards instead) - I could accept and value people for WHO THEY REALLY ARE.

Accepting the reality of the situation, not living with an expectation of how it “should be” means you will be able to have more control over your emotions.

You are no longer pressing someone to be someone they are not. 
AND on the flip side they aren’t trying to constantly live up to your expectations, and failing you. 

This allows you to feel more connected and happier in their presence.  No longer are we playing this “game” of attempting to control the story or the outcome! 

You be you.  And I’ll focus on me being me.

So, how do you actually release your expectations? A good question to ask yourself is:

“Are my expectations… killing my happiness?”

• Am I expecting someone or something to be different than what it REALLY is?
• What is this persons repeated behaviour actually telling me?
• Does this person’s behaviour align with my standards and personal values?
• Am I forcing an outcome and expecting someone to give me something they actually can’t give me?

Then, return the focus back to you:

• Why am I expecting someone or something to be what it is not?
• What do I need out of this relationship, or situation that I am not getting?
• Am I willing to accept this person/relationship/situation as is?
• Can I release my expectations, knowing that doing so will allow me to have more control over my emotions and my happiness?

I know this is a big topic, and you may just be scratching the surface with these thought starters- if you've been struggling in this area then I hope this blog has helped you to find some clarity. Share your experience with me any time!
JB

If you didn't grow up in the "perfect family" dynamic (aka the happy Brady Bunch) and your family can be a little "lively", especially after a few drinks, then Christmas can be a tense occasion. 

Feelings of worry start to come up as we think about everyone coming together.

Stress from not knowing how it will play out. Will everyone get along? Will someone start an argument? Will someone drink too much? Or... will everyone place nice? 

Because "it's Christmas" we gather with our family and extended family - who we probably don't often see that much, and let's face it, sometimes don't have a lot in common. Some of these people we may not even share the same values with.

Family members often bring past history and "junk" that they have held onto or the generations before have been harbouring with them. Mix in some alcohol and... bang ANYTHING can happen!

Everyone seems to have an opinion after a few drinks - don't they?

If you are hosting the get-together yourself you've also got the added stress of cooking, cleaning, gifting and keeping the peace to put on a great day.

"Will everyone get along? Will he/she behave themselves? Will they like the food (that's my biggest fear being a so/so cook!)? What will they think/say about this?"

Eeeeek, so much to overthink about, right?!

My friends at Al-Anon, a support group for the families of Alcoholics, shared with me that setting healthy boundaries during the Christmas period, both for yourself and other people who might trigger you – is a good way to keep calm.

#1 – Limit Alcohol on the Day (Yes, it is possible!)
If you are hosting Christmas as your place and maybe you are worried about alcohol fueling the fire in some people… then you actually have every right within the walls of your house to ask people to not bring alcohol (gasp I know!).

This may sound drastic and a little overwhelming but let me ask you – what’s worse? An anger fueled drunken argument that ruins the day, or a few people getting their nose out of joint?

• You don't have to ask them in person. It is as easy as sending a text message prior kindly asking them to refrain from BYO.
• If these people love you, then they will respect your wishes. If they don’t respect your wishes on the day then maybe ask yourself "what is the most important thing?"
• It may seem like a far fetched idea, but this boundary is achievable. I've used it before and can tell you from my own experience it was a wonderful meal together, one of the best on record
• Or, opt to drive to a family event - so you can make an exit if you want to

#2 – Move Away from Negativity
If you find yourself sitting around family where the conversation is spiraling into topics that you don’t want to listen to, or you feel will trigger you then I want you to know that you have a option.

To move away and NOT engage in the negativity.

You can stay listening and get dragged into it, consumed by the problems and drama letting your anxiety levels sky rocket and zap your energy.

OR - you can stand up and quietly excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, check on the kids, play with the dog, help in the kitchen.

Anything to move away from the conversation and - TAKE A BREAK.

It doesn't mean you have to walk off in a blaze "I'm not listening to this!". You don’t have to storm off or cause a scene. You can quietly and kindly move away from the negativity and energy that you know will not serve you.  Take 5 deep breaths of really amazing fresh air and clear your mind.

Remember YOU don't have to get involved in any conversation that doesn't serve you!

#3 HAVE AN EXIT PLAN
If you know from past years that the event is likely to get rowdy then plan ahead and set expectations early. “I can only stay for 1 drink actually” … “I may have to leave early to XYZ”

If you are having a good time and decide to stay longer – then that will be a good surprise!

If you have not pre-empted your host and you feel uncomfortable and want to leave - then remember your life is on your terms. It is OK to leave.

You leaving means you are looking after yourself and guarding your energy.  Sneak out quietly!  

#4 CALMING A RACING MIND

• Move away from the person or thing that is triggering you and focus on DOING A TASK
• Keep your hands busy
• Take a 5 deep breaths!  
• Keep the task simple, nothing that is too complex or requires brain power, something to keep your hands moving.  

This will allow you to just "be present" in that moment while your mind and emotions calm. 

Wishing you all the best for the season!
Janel