Are Your Expectations… Killing YOUR Happiness?

Do you have high EXPECTATIONS OF PEOPLE in your life?
​Do you feel like people always seem to LET YOU DOWN??

Most of us walk through life believing that if people MET our expectations, we’d feel happier, calmer, and more fulfilled.

• If they could just DO IT properly, think ahead, and get it right the first time, I wouldn’t need to take over control, feel so tense, or exhausted all the time
• If they could just SHOW UP the way I need them to  and communicate better, try harder, follow through, then I wouldn’t feel so constantly frustrated or let down

But our expectations are often unspoken, can be unrealistic, and are essentially rooted in how we wish things would be, and not how they actually are. Over time, they quietly create frustration, resentment, and disappointment, leaving us wondering WHY we feel so let down by life and by others.

The truth is… when we live in a world where we are expecting other people to react or respond to us in a specific way, or meet our expectations we will forever be the one who is going to feel LET DOWN.

Why do we feel let down?  Out expectations tell us how things "should be" and yet no one else on the planet operates exactly like we do. And we actually have ZERO control over other people. We cannot control how much effort they put in, the way they react or respond to us, or how much they will or will not give to a relationship.

We can hope, wish, dream, push and pull that person to our expectation level... BUT NOTHING is ever going to happen the way we expect it, the way our mind see's it.

So, what happens then?

• Feelings of resentment rise up
• Feelings of disappointment rise up
• Feelings of frustration and hurt rise up

Sometimes even a deep seeded feeling of sadness overcomes us. Likely from that emotional disconnection. The disconnect of 1) how you expected a person to behave, or 2) for how things were supposed to have played out and didn't.

The key learning here is that EXPECTATIONS are actually a form of control.

They are the mind’s attempt to manage outcomes, people, and situations in order to feel safe, validated, or less uncomfortable.

But it's a catch 22! Because the very thing we use to feel safe and in control is what ends up creating disappointment, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.

Chronic "expectations" are one of the quiet drivers of burnout due to the emotional and mental exhaustion. When we hold strict and very high expectations of ourselves, others, or life, we’re constantly monitoring, correcting, over-functioning, and emotionally bracing for things to go wrong. This keeps the nervous system in a low-grade state of tension.
Over time, this shows up as:

• Mental fatigue from constantly anticipating outcomes
• Emotional exhaustion from repeated disappointment
• Over-responsibility and perfectionism (How many times have you said “I’ll just do it myself”!!)
• Difficulty switching off, resting, or feeling satisfied
• ​A sense that NOTHING is ever enough... even when things are going well!

Because expectations are often unspoken and unmet, the body stays in a cycle of effort WITHOUT resolution. That unresolved stress is exactly what leads to burnout.
Personally, I am no stranger to putting unrealistic expectations on people and myself.
I used to put people and certain relationships in my life on a pedestal. And then I could never work out why I felt so deeply wounded when things didn't play out how I had expected. It was so much more than disappointment! It was a wound and fracture in the relationship that I didn't know how to fix..

Until I realized that my own unachievable high expectations... were hurting ME.

I was in a 5 year relationship in my 20's where I viewed the person in my life as 'better than me'. I raised him up onto a golden throne, put his hopes and dreams and money-making ability ahead of mine. And in my mind I fantasized about how it would all work: how he would respond to the "glory" of me dropping everything to support his dream, and how he would act in kind love and gratitude for this service and in turn support me emotionally and financially. AND that would make me happy. THE END.

But sadly, I had set him up to FAIL ME.

No one, and I believe no one can live up to that much perfectionist mindset pressure!

I EXPECTED him to be the person I had imagined in my mind. When in fact the reality in front of me showed nothing of the sort. I wasn’t allowing him to be the person that he always was, OR accepting him for who he was.

Looking back now I realise that my own expectations killed the happiness in that relationship.

Nothing he did was ever the way I wanted it to be. Even if he tried, it was never as good enough to the imagined scenario in my head. How could it be? I expected this man to live up to my grand expectations, the level I help myself and also "make me happy". The pressure was unreal.

And of course, when things didn’t happen as I had expected they would - I responded to my hurt and "wounds" by lashing out in resentment and frustration and I could never "let it go" (yes, I was a fire-cracker in my twenties!). Then I would isolate and feel deeply disconnected and let down.

Obviously, that relationship didn't last! Over time, I realized that having “high expectations” of the people in my life often lead to my own disappointment.

Not because something is wrong with them, but because expectations are rooted in who we want people TO BE, rather than who they consistently SHOW THEMSELVES to be.

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One of my client's came to me feeling constantly hurt and disappointed in her relationship with her mother. She held an unspoken expectation that their relationship would look like the ones she’d seen in movies - best friends, long chats, shopping together, sharing everything. But her mother had never shown interest in relating that way. Each time the expectation went unmet, the disappointment deepened. The key to releasing the disappointment is acceptance - accepting people for who they consistently show themselves to be, rather than who we hope, expect, or wish they would become. Because the pain wasn’t caused by what her mother did or didn’t do, but by holding onto a fantasy that didn’t align with the reality of who her mother actually was.

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So you might be asking… don't we deserve more though? Shouldn’t we expect something of the people we love??

Absolutely. We all deserve more.

But expecting someone to change, or to give you something they JUST CAN'T GIVE YOU - keeps your happiness tied to their behaviour.

That distinction is where STANDARDS come in. This is 100% the best mindset shift I can give you.

Replace your EXPECTATIONS with STANDARDS.

Standards are grounding and reality-based, unlike expectations which are often a hope/wish that something outside your control is going to happen the way you want it to.

A 'STANDARD' is a level of quality you want to have within a person or relationship in your life.

They’re based on 3 main things:

1. Facts - What has actually happened? What have you observed? Not just their intentions, promises, or potential!
2. Patterns of behavior - One-off moments don’t define a person. Repeated behavior over time does! Patterns are the most reliable predictor of future behaviour.
3. Lived experience over time - Your nervous system, emotions, and outcomes matter. How you consistently feel in someone’s presence is data. Use it.

So, how do you create this shift within your relationships?

1. Calibrate Your Expectations on This Person’s Behaviour

If a person in your life is showing you their “standard behavior” and it doesn’t align with your personal values - then please know that putting an expectation on them to BE SOMEONE DIFFERENT or expecting them to act/react differently is only ever going to hurt you. (truth bomb!)

Create your standards. Drop your expectations. 

If someone is treating you in a way that consistently upsets you, pause and calibrate on both your current and past experiences with this person.

Q: Is this their "standard behaviour" towards you? 

If yes, then you have a choice.

Q: Do I accept this person’s standard behaviour?
Q: If this is as good as it gets, am I genuinely okay with this being my reality?
Q: ​What behaviour am I willing to allow AND not allow - in my life? Then communicate with them your boundaries and your needs.

2. All You Can Control is Your Own Emotions

How WE REACT and RESPOND to the people, situations, and conversations in our lives is the only thing we can control.

It’s a hard truth to learn, but I am grateful for the lesson. When I stopped having high expectations of people in my life and focused on standards instead... I was finally able to accept and value people for who they really are, not who I needed them to be.

I stopped feeling let down by people all the time, stopped needing to protect myself from disappointment and also stopped feeling the need to jump in and fix, manage and control everything and everyone around me.

The benefits? 

You’ll have more control over your emotions.
You’re no longer pressing someone to be who they are not.

And on the flip side, they’re no longer trying (and failing) to live up to your expectations.

This creates space for genuine connection. You feel calmer, more at ease, and happier in their presence. There’s no longer a silent “game” of trying to control or force an outcome.

You be you, I'll see you for who you are.
And I’ll focus on being me.

So, how do you actually begin to release your expectations?

​A powerful place to start is by asking yourself:

Q: “Are my expectations… killing my happiness?”

• Am I expecting someone or something to be different from what it actually is?
• What does this person’s repeated behaviors tell me?
• Does their behavior align with my standards and personal values?
• Am I forcing an outcome - or expecting someone to give me something they’re simply cannot give??

Then, gently return the focus back to you:

• Why am I expecting someone or something to be what it is not?
• What do I need from this relationship or situation that I’m not currently getting?
• Am I willing to accept this person, relationship, or situation AS IT IS?
• Can I release my expectations, knowing that doing so may give me greater emotional control and a deeper sense of peace?

I know this is a big topic, and you may just be scratching the surface with these thought starters- if you've been struggling in this area then I hope this blog has helped you to find some clarity. Share your experience with me any time!
- JB

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