​Have you ever found yourself seeking happiness through external validation?

For years, I placed my happiness in the hands of others, constantly thinking that if certain people or circumstances aligned in a certain way, then I would finally be happy.
​
I would catch myself saying things like, "If my parents, sister, husband, son, boss, colleague, or X did THIS, then I would be happy."

I tied my happiness to achieving good grades, receiving recognition at work, earning a promotion, or even reaching specific milestones in my first business.

My joy was dependent on external factors and the validation they provided.

The problem was, and what I've realised through Mindset Coaching, is that MY long term happiness is an internal job... I am the only one that can change it or make it happen.

Yes, the external factors could give me a temporary hit of happiness, BUT they could never give lasting contentment. Here's why:

* We cannot control the external factors! Or other people's opinion of us

*   We cannot control how much or little someone loves us! Or HOW they specifically show us love

The key was... I had to learn to know, love and accept MYSELF (all facets and parts of me) - in order to find my self-worth and experience a contentment that I never even knew existed.

And the most amazing thing happened, when I stopped seeking external validation...

I got my power back!

​In this video, I share the three crucial steps I took to break free from the cycle of seeking external validation and find true self-worth.

Let me detail the 3 steps I took for you here:

I learned that I cannot control other people's actions, reactions, behaviours or even the way they love and treat me. I cannot control every single outcome, to every situation in my life.

​There will be uncertainty, there will be change, there will be things that do not always go my way. No matter how hard I work or try to make it different. 

I can only control what is within my circle - my mind, my body, my emotions and my behaviours. How I think, reaction and respond is up to me. 

I started my day with a simple shift. In order to love myself fully and build self-worth I need to be the most important person in my world, my needs matter. My own self-care has to be a priority. 

I decided to wake up 15 mins earlier, to sit listening to a short 5 min guided meditation and I did 10 mins of journaling positive affirmations - something I had never done before!  (If you are new to meditation I have a few to help get you started here)

I spent 10 mins stretching and doing yoga, then ate a healthy nourishing breakfast and I listened to music while getting ready for work. 

I found this short 20-30mins of "me-time" first thing in the morning would calm and refocus my mind, before the chaos of the day began.

When I filled my "needs cup" first, I found I wasn't looking to other people or external factors to fill my own needs. 

I began a new habit where once a week I would do something that brough me joy - something just for me. Where I didn't have to do anything for anyone else. 

You see, I began to remember who I was outside of all the labels and hats I wore. Outside of the expectations, demands, stress and achievements of work. 

I started to love and reconnect to my inner child, the part of me that had gotten lost from putting all my happiness eggs outside my own basket. The part of me that was waiting for someone else to love, care and adore me, the way I wanted. 

It's an empowering feeling not waiting for someone to give you everything you need.

I began to breathe easier and smile more often. Life felt less heavy and more enjoyable.  

I realise that it had to start with me, just like it has to start with you.

And I am here to tell you - YOU can absolutely do it too. 

​JB

​As you probably know by now, our LIFE is a journey filled with countless ups and downs, twists and turns, and unexpected challenges within our story.

Along this path, we often encounter mental and emotional roadblocks that hinder our progress, cloud our judgment, and leave us feeling stuck.

Whether it's confusion about the next step, anxiety about making the right decision, hitting a creative or career block, a lack of motivation, or crippling self-doubt, the mind spins:

Where am I going? Am I happy? What am I doing? When will I be happy?

These obstacles can be frustrating and overwhelming, making it very difficult to move forward.

Previously, before experiencing mindset coaching, I personally would have notched a roadblock up as failure. My mind had been programmed from a young age, that anything less than 100% was failure. 

• If I received a NO from someone - this was a failure
• If I heard criticism (even if it was constructive) - this was a failure
• If I saw an outcome that was out of my control - this was a failure
• If something didn't live up to the expectation in my mind - this was a failure

I would be totally stressed out, spiralling into anxiety overthinking all the WHY's and WHAT IF's... ultimately not feeling good enough.

Which never EVER helped the situation! When negative emotions  and fear rule the situation - it makes EVERYTHING harder.

What I've learned since then is that hitting a mental or emotional roadblock does NOT mean I am a failure, or it’s the end of the road.

It's actually a fork in the road, a good check in point.

Here's why:

An emotion in itself is a feeling, and feelings are not facts.

The study of NLP (Neuro-Linguistics-Programming) tells us that we experience our first negative emotions in early childhood, typically 0-7 years old.

If the negative emotion that we felt for the very first time (like fear, anger, hurt, guilt or sadness) was too confusing for our young mind, or left unresolved, the memory of that experience (and our reaction or response to it) is stored within the unconscious part of our mind.

The part of our mind where our habits and patterns are formed, that essentially runs on auto-pilot.
The mind then uses this past experience as a reference point for each time that specific emotion is arises in future. Unconsciously filtering new information coming in and present-day experiences on that past trigger point, even though we are no longer a child.

The mind unconsciously in a split second says “remember that time you felt scared about X when you were young? This is JUST LIKE THAT”. When in 99% of circumstances it is not.

So, our response as adults now to the fear is bigger and can often be out of proportion to the context of the situation in front of us.

Have you ever wondered “Why am I so fearful of X, when other people are not? Why do I get so angry and frustrated about X, when so-and-so doesn’t even care? Why can’t I let go of it?”

This is why, shown in my example above, I continued to notch up every “No” in my life as a failure. My mind had unconsciously stored an experience of failure when I was 7yo. From that moment I learned to react and respond with fear in a specific way any time there was a possibility of failure. This inhibited me in many ways throughout my adult life.

The specific coaching that helped me to realise all of this and release my fear of failure and reprogram the self-limiting belief I had formed that I was not good enough, was the transformational process of TimeLine Therapy®.

You can watch my video below to learn more about TLT or read about it here.

Now thankfully, when a roadblock presents itself, I like to see the situation as a unique opportunity for inner growth and self-reflection. I am no longer trapped by fear of failure.

And this is what I want for you too. It is the reason why just 6 months after working with a Mindset Coach myself in 2017, I went on to retrain and become a NLP and TimeLine Therapy® Practitioner – so I could pay this gift forward to other women just like me.

Where do we start when we hit a mental roadblock?

Absolutely, we need to honour our emotions and express them. There is a saying I like to remember:

“What we resist - will persist”.

You can only deny emotions for so long. We must begin to unpack the emotion and the trigger, and find healthy ways to release the emotion. The most powerful way to do this for me is to journal my thoughts.

And instead of falling to pieces I stop and ask 3 simple questions to check in:

1. What emotions am I feeling? Why is this situation causing me to feel this way?

2. What are the options in front of me?

3. What is this situation trying to teach me? Or, what can I learn from this?

When you are learning you are growing, and you are NOT failing.

It's during these challenging moments that we have the chance to zoom out, look for higher perspectives, and tap into our intuition to find the solutions to move forward with ease.

Conquering the fear of failure always begins with a process of self-discovery. The inner work for emotional healing may require patience and perseverance, but please know you are not alone! There is guidance and coaching available to support you, whenever you are ready.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, aimed at raising awareness on the importance of opening conversations about mental health to help release the stigma. AND always a great time to prioritise our own mental health check-in.
 
Most women I've been talking to share with me that it’s been a crazy start to 2023. Post-pandemic life is as busy as ever, we are back to rushing and packing as much as we can into every day, week, and month. Juggling work commitments, family, relationships, and social life. Keeping everything afloat and as best we can moving forward.
 
With our constant connection to technology and the digital world, it can be difficult to fully take a break and give our minds the rest they need to recharge  our energy.
 
I recently went on a mini break, adventuring to the remote Pangkil Island in Indonesia, where I consciously decided to take a 4 day digital detox, for my mental health. I had noticed the signs of verging on the edge of burnout after an increasingly busy first quarter of work (and life!). 

Even coaches need "mental health check-ins!" too.
 
I actually couldn't remember the last time I shut off completely from technology. I don't know if I've EVER done it for a longer period of time that 2 days since opening my first online business in 2014. 
 
That's when you know it’s definitely time for a digital detox.
 
So, I told my clients I would be “offline”, left my laptop at home, and bit the bullet! I put my phone on airplane mode for 4 WHOLE days.  

And, WOW.

All I can say is that is was TOTALLY FREEING to not be "ON" 24/7:

• I found myself going slower
• Being super present in conversations
• Enjoying the little things much more
• Getting great sleep and super relaxed
• Clearer mindset

Imagine that!

Now, I have to admit I already have strong boundaries with my phone and technology. But I found being completely OFFLINE was sooo good for my mental health that it was surprisingly HARD to come back to the social media and online world after 4 days!

I wished it could have be longer.

The health and wellness industry tells us that taking a digital detox can have many benefits for our mental and physical health:

• Reduces stress and anxiety levels and improve overall well-being
• Improves sleep with less time on electronic devices sleep patterns are less disrupted by blue light
• Increases productivity and improves focus. When we're not constantly checking our devices, we’re less likely to multi-task and can focus better on the one thing at a time to get more done
• Improves relationships and a sense of being present by giving more quality “connection” time with loved ones
• Boosts creativity and problem solving. Being disconnected from technology can give our minds a chance to wander and come up with new ideas

​If it's been a while, and you’re feeling exhausted, BUT find the concept of 4 days off the grid super confronting... here are four baby steps you can take for a mini digital detox:
​
​1) Create a boundary around when you pick up your phone in the morning and evening

Is 6-7am when you first open your eyes to a blast of notifications and emails the best way to begin the day? Could you not look at notifications until 8am? Could you turn off your phone for the night at 8-9pm?

2) Set time limits on your social media apps (you'll find this option in settings!)

3) Move all of your social media/email apps OFF your home screen to 2-3 swipe pages across

If you're the kind of person (like me!) who cannot stand seeing a red notification and has to urgently actioon THIS really helps.

4) Pop your phone on DND for 4, 6 or 12 hours 
 
By setting boundaries with technology, we can improve our mental and emotional well-being, reduce stress, and increase productivity. You may not find it easy at firs to step away from your devices, but it is beneficial for overall health and happiness!
 
Any step you can take towards a digital detox is going to be powerful, it’s a tool that can help you disconnect from the digital world and reconnect with yourself, your thoughts, and be more present in your surroundings.
 
The ultimate goal is to create a healthier balance in our lives, where we feel more present and energised!

Try one or two and reach out to let me know the outcome?
 
All the best,
Janel

​Our minds are powerful and valuable, but they can be tricky to master when situational anxiety flares up.

Some people find they thrive in new experiences and love meeting new people. If you are one of those people, my hat goes off to you! Like many others, embracing the new is something I have had to learn how to love.

If you’ve ever tried to support a loved one with anxiety, you’ll know that new events and situations where they are standing an abyss of so many unknown’s and all the uncertainty their fear can be debilitating.

When it begins to unfold in front of us it’s like the person is fighting a battle we can’t see. We don’t exactly know what to do, or how to fix it. We want our loved one to listen to reason and be OK. But their fear can be so convincing that they believe something (everything!) bad is going to happen.

As a Mindset Coach I want to share with you a proactive tool to help you to help them deescalate the situation, using a concept called reframing fear to excitement.

REFRAME FEAR - TO - EXCITEMENT

This tool will help your loved one calm the mind and move forward feeling more excited and confident.

1. Listen for the core language of anxiety. Words can be your guide to understanding when a person’s fear starting to building.

A tell-tale sign is: WHAT IF (a bad thing happens)?
WHAT IF (a negative outcome)?
WHAT IF (resistance language "I can't")
OR when you hear the person worst case scenario planning. (plan A, B, C, D)

2. Immediately get them to stop and ask them to take a breath.

This will halt the mind bringing their awareness back into the body, and circumvent the thought process.

3. Reframe their language.

This may take a little practice but start by repeating their “What IF” statement BUT instead of a bad ending you insert a good, or happy ending for them. Shifting the mindset to a positive outcome.

“What IF it all turns out better than you could imagine?

4. Make the “unknown” known.

Anxiety often sparks due to a fear of the unknown or uncertainty. Ask yourself and affirm what is known.

What do we know about this situation? What can we be certain of? What is within our control.

5. Help them to understand that anxiety and excitement have the same vibrational feeling in the body.

“You must excited? Imagine all the cool people you are going to meet, and all the fun you will have. Those butterfly’s show up when you get excited right?”

6. Reaffirm the excitement and positive outcome.

“I am excited for you! This is going to be so fun. You’ll have a great time. Everyone will love meeting you, you have so much to offer.”
​

​Recently, my almost 10yo son joined a new activity after school in Singapore with a group of kids that were older than him on a subject he was lacking in confidence.

Even though he originally said he wanted to do this activity, the day of the first group event was looming, and he was beginning to drag his heels saying he no longer wanted to go.

I get it, kids making friends and meeting new people can be overwhelming. But as a family we decided a long time ago to always make an effort to give it 1 chance. Then we can decide after that whether we keep it or ditch it. Usually, we keep it – as we are not in the habit of letting our fear of the unknown rule our lives anymore.

In the car on the way to there, I could see his mind start to tick, tick, tick.

He began to ask:

• What IF I don’t know anyone?
• What IF no one likes me?
• What IF I can’t do it?”

Immediately I knew as soon as he said “WHAT IF” this was fear talking, not his rational mind. His core language trigger to me was the phrase “What IF” followed by a resistance word (don’t, can’t) and a negative outcome.

I could hear his anxiety building and this was a great opportunity to help him de-escalate the fear.

I asked him to stop right there and take a breath.

We took a big deep breath together.

I then proceeded to use the power of positive language to reframe and shift his mind from the most terrible outcome he is imaging, to a good ending.

I repeated his “What IF” back to him with a positive outcome:

• “What IF you have an amazing time and make a whole group of new friends?”
• “What IF you can do it and do it so well that you walk out of there feeling proud of yourself?”

I then helped him to make the “unknown” known by focusing on a previous experience.

• “Remember you’ve done this this activity before. You know the teacher, and you like her. Every other time you’ve done this activity you enjoyed it. You came home telling me how great it was.”
• “Remember how when you went to basketball camp, and you didn’t know a single person then on day 1 you made a new awesome friend.”
• “Remember how fun and exciting it was to meet new people and try new things!”

I reminded him that fear and excitement have the same vibrational feeling of alarm in the body.

“You must be feeling those excited butterflies in your tummy again. Excited butterflies come when we do fun and exciting things right?”

We walked into the building and up the escalator into the activity room, we took the long way to get there - moving the body is very helpful to release stress hormones.

We arrived and he turned to me and said “Mum, I am excited about this 😊”.

I said, “Yes buddy, I am excited for you too – this is going to be so much fun!”.

And it was fun, he had a blast. We pre-framed it to be a good experience. 

I picked him up an hour later and he raved about the activity and everyone in it. He smashed the activity and cannot wait to go again.

We pre-empted for a good ending and primed his mind for fun. He could now feel the excitement buzzing withing his body INSTEAD of the fear.

The entire process took us 5 minutes. You can absolutely do this too! With children AND adults. 
 
It’s so easy to allow fear to jump into the driver seat and take control of new situations where there are so many unknowns. But every time we do, fear wins. It takes our mind away from the joy and the fun of living in the present moment.

When we treat our loved ones who struggle with anxiety with a level of compassion that also takes positive action we can begin to help them to learn how to bring their own anxiety alarm down and enjoy new experiences for what they are, FUN.
 
I hope these suggestions help you support a loved one with anxiety.
 
If you have any questions or comments, please reach out. If you or someone you know is sick of struggling with their anxiety I run a program called “Freedom from Anxiety” for women who are ready to feel more carefree and confident in all areas of their life.

To learn more about Janel's Freedom from Anxiety Program 1:1 Coaching head here.

A loss of identity and a crash of confidence can feel confronting, challenging and weird (especially when living overseas!). But it is possible to overcome it and get back to you.

When I moved to Singapore from Melbourne in 2022, this was not my first rodeo at what they call becoming a “Trailing Spouse”. In 2007, my then boyfriend (now husband!) took a promotion within our company and we moved to the USA for 2 years, our first experience with the expat life.

The experience was all parts incredible AND super challenging for me.

At the time we were young and free! Dual income with zero responsibilities (remember that?!)- no kids, pets or mortgage! We both worked hard and played hard. We travelled EVERYWHERE, said yes to opportunities, and totally lived it up the experience.

But not long after moving cracks began to appear in my mindset and mental health. Trailing spouse depression and identity loss is absolutely a thing, that I had no idea about. It wasn't in the brochure!

As a fiercely independent woman of 30 I had NEVER before “given up my life” and put my own aspirations (and needs!) on hold for someone else … who at that time hadn’t even “put a ring on it” yet, as Queen B would say.
​

• I battled feelings of resentment, at what I was missing out on in my career
• I missed my support network dearly, my friends and family who really knew me
• I struggled with insecurities in making new friends, as a more introverted person
• I felt lost and uncertain of myself – Who am I here? What value do I bring? What about what I want? Why does he get to make all the decisions?
• I was anxious about the future and the unknowns for us

I had all the negative feelings, while watching my partner THRIVE in his work and his personal friendships. As you can imagine, this caused a massive strain in our relationship. 

​I had lost my sense of identity, my value and self-worth.

I realise now I had put all my happiness eggs in his basket in the relationship, expecting him to be EVERYTHING for me 24/7. I wanted him to fix me! And make me happy! Of course, that pressure was too much.

Thankfully, this was a wake up call for me, a turning point where I decided I needed to work on me. I enrolled in University and went back to study, and I enlisted the help of my first NLP Coach and began the journey of understanding who I am, and what I wanted.

Fast forward 13 years marriage, one child, becoming a Mindset Coach myself and surviving a pandemic - we decide to move to Singapore last year for expat #2. Suffice to say this time I was more prepared.

I spent my first few months noticing common themes throughout conversation I was having with other expat women here in Singapore.

Pandemic burnout, overwhelm from moving to Asia without a support network, and anxiety arising from uncertainty and changes in working visas were recurring topics at every coffee meet up I joined.
I began hearing echoes of the SAME feelings that I used to have.

So many women who had moved for their partners career were suffering from an identity loss leaving them with too much time to think and worry about finances in the future.

Although very grateful to be in Singapore for the expat experience, frustrations were felt around being unable to work and the fact that they put their life and career on hold to support their other half.

This was the catalyst for me deciding to expand my Mindset Coaching business in Singapore. To be able to help these women who are feeling this sense of identity loss. To support those struggling with stress anxiety and ever growing “imposter syndrome” that come with big life changes.

New Life Phase

A loss of identity can happen at any time it does not relate to age or gender. Experts reveal that it can be triggered when a person enters a new life phase that makes them question their basic understanding of self. Major events such as changing careers, becoming apparent, ending a long-term relationship or moving to a new place can be a catalyst for those uncomfortable feelings where you just feel a bit, well, off.

Research shows that relocation is the third most stressful life event possible.

On top of this according to an InterNations survey, it's the partner of the expat with the job who tends to be more susceptible to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety and who is negatively affected by the move. Typically, this is because they:
​

• Have given up more for the move and find that they missed their personal support network (63%)
• Have struggled with forfeiting their previous career (60%)
• Dislike being financially dependent on their partner (65%)
• Experience their partner always working long hours in their job (52%)
• Are often expected to organise all practical aspects of moving and living abroad (51%)

(Tick, tick, tick from my experience way back in 2007!)

In the beginning, the expat partner tends to focus on everyone else's happiness and getting the family settled as the priority. Once the transition is complete and all the tasks are done the questions begin to arise what do I do now? What is my purpose here? Where do I fit in? Who am I? Feelings of resentment, frustration, sadness, and hopelessness can set in.

How to Shift Your Mindset

The first step to navigate any big life change where you're feeling this sense of identity lost is begin to shift your mindset and try to see this journey, or new phase of your life, as an opportunity for personal growth, development and expansion.

Here are 6 key points to help you get started:

1. Choose Acceptance
Finding a place of acceptance for the circumstances you're in right now is key. Remembering that if your mind is too far in the past thinking about all the things that you don't have, you will continue to feel stuck. If your mind is too far in the future, you'll continue to feel anxious by the uncertainty. Both thought processes make it harder to find happiness and be in the present moment. Do note that acceptance doesn't necessarily mean that you have to surrender or like the situation, but having a willingness to accept your circumstances will release the resistance in the mind that creates undue stress.

2. Create Routine
Routine serves as an anchor. Predictable, repetitive routines are calming and help reduce stress and anxiety. Formulating a weekly schedule can help you feel more motivated, organised and productive. How you begin and end your day matters. Are you feeding your mind with positive information and thoughts when you wake up? Are you feeding your body with nourishing food of movement during the day? Are you getting enough sleep?

3. Embrace Exploration
Use this time to discover more about who you are:

• What is something you haven't done for a while that you used to love doing?
• What is something you've always wanted to learn about or study?
• Is there a gap in your skill set you could focus on feeling right now?
• Is there a hobby or sport you have wanted to try but never got around to?
• What is something you enjoy reading about, or could talk about for hours?
• What brings you joy?

 
4. Connect
Recognise that you're not alone in your feelings. It can feel daunting to build interpersonal relationships in a new country but connecting with others and sharing your emotions can be very healing.

5. Catch Self-Doubt
When negative or unhelpful thoughts creep into your mind, questioning your value or worth, practice catching the thought before it spirals. Understand that not every thought you think is factual, and feelings are not facts. The mind has a protection mechanism that wants to keep you safe. Instead of believing and listening to unkind self-doubt call it out by asking, “Where is the evidence to support this?” or “What is causing me to feel this way?”.

6. Reframe Your Language
The words we choose have a positive or negative effect on our mindset. If you believe it's hard and say to yourself “This is hard, I hate this, I don't want this” then it will no doubt be harder for you. Whereas if you use more empowering words such as “I can do this, I can overcome this challenge” the mind will be more open to change and all the possibilities.


This article was originally published ANZA (The Australia & New Zealand Association) Magazine Singapore, March 2023 edition (pg 34-35).

​

​​

​About the Author: Janel Briggs is a NLP and Timeline Therapy Practitioner on a mission to support women across Australia and Singapore in healing their professional anxieties, insecurities and imposter syndrome to build unwavering confidence and self-belief. The goal is to level up your life and career by learning how to to live fearless and anxiety free! Connect with Janel on social media via Linkedin or Instagram.

How many times have you spent Sunday night dreadinggggg Monday morning?

That angst beginning to build around 3-4pm as you start to realise how quick the weekend has gone and how soon you have to jump on the hamster wheel again.

It may have even happened this week?!?

As a Mindset Coach here are 7 things that I have learned to help relieve those Sunday night scaries and shift my mindset heading into the new week:

1. Do a "brain dump"

Grab a pen and paper and for 5 minutes and literally dump all the thoughts and to do's you've got circling your head onto paper. If it's on paper these thoughts are more likely to stop circling your mind and making you feel overwhelmed. 

2. Create a Weekly Plan

So much of the time anxiety creeps in when we are flying by the seat of our pants... all the unknowns of the busy week ahead of us. Make a rough plan for the week, try not to fill every minute of your time, leave some room for flexibility. 
I also take 10 mins to cross check calendars and school events with my household on Sunday night so that EVERYONE knows what's happening that week.

3. Make Sleep a Priority

The first thing I discuss with ALL my new 1:1 clients is sleep habits and how to get better quality sleep. Sleep is 100% a game changer for helping you become emotionally resilient to stress and anxiety.

Aim to get into bed earlier on Sunday, with plenty of time to "wind down" - not to be confused with wine down!! Science tells us that every glass of alcohol before bed disrupts 15mins of our REM sleep, REM is the kind of sleep you want lots of to recoup your energy!

4. Turn off work notifications

If your anxiety gets triggered by emails, texts or work messages coming in on Sunday night, then DND the work notifications. Everything can wait until you've hit your desk on Monday. There is nothing that will get by rehashing it at 3am when you're trying to sleep. 

5. Pack the bags early

In order to get 30mins for my morning routine (meditation, journalling, stretching, eating well) every week day, I have to be a little organised and cannot be scrambling to get my family out the door. This just ruins the zen!

Packing the bags early and getting everything laid out for the next day 100% helps.
If you’re single or don’t have kids perhaps use this time to prep your meals for the week or lay out your gym clothes.

6. Pump up the music

Music is the answers to lifting and shifting any mood! Sunday’s nights I always put on a good playlist on Spotify and let the music fill the house with good energy. Whether I’m cooking, meal planning, packing bags or winding down for sleep music always makes me feel good!

7. Remember – everything that needs to get done, will get done

​​​No amount of worry and worst-case scenario planning will change the future. And no amount of overthinking the outcome will ever mean that it all goes to plan.
Yes, be prepared, but release the pressure and trust that everything that needs to get done will get done. Just like it always does. 
​
And, if it doesn’t… life still goes on!
​

Do you feel like you move through each day, month, year at the speed of light... but never actually achieve anything?

I've been hearing this a lot from my new clients this year, like no matter what they do they still feel so far behind on those big life goals and dreams.

Typically, when I hear a similar thought process a few times, I know it's valuable to share wider. So, I am giving you the exact tool I give to my clients in private coaching to increase their overall sense of well-being when goal-getting.
 
It begins with a simple question:

The mind can so easily get stuck on "all the things we haven't done" or are "yet to accomplish". The ego telling us we are unorganised, lazy, and need to be "more productive".
 
Essentially the mind's job is to assess for risk but, as you probably know these thoughts cause us to feel GUILT, perhaps like we aren't good enough. And guilt is 100% the biggest showstopper to any good action! 
 
Guilt creates resistance. We are less likely to do the things we want to do, when guilt is in the drivers seat. So, to cut the guilt and create more momentum it's time for a reality check.
 
Here is the tool:
 
At the end of each week take 5 minutes to sit and reflect. Grab a cuppa and a notebook and write down the answer to 3 questions:

It's a small action you can take weekly to strengthen your relationship with yourself, help you pursue your goals with intention and generally just feel BETTER about life!
 
How it works:
 
If you focus your mind on the negative it will find loads of reasons to not take action.
 
The mind has a natural tendency to remember negative experiences or interactions more than positive ones. That's because the human brain is hard wired to scan for threat more than 5 times every second!

Whereas if you focus your mind on what worked, it will find reasons to keep going.
 
Taking moments in you day and week to "reprogram" the negative bias with positive self-talk, affirmations, and celebrating what you've accomplished fires up your neural pathways giving the brain an opportunity create more happy and positive feelings.

• When you reflect on what you did well this helps the mind to move in a positive direction, remembering all you have actually done in the time you had available
• When you observe the challenges of the week this helps the mind to remember acceptance and self-compassion
• When you use the power of intention to future focus the mind your actions become steppingstones to your goals. And your intention is always working even when you don't realise it!

If you are stressed about the future this simple 3 step weekly journal reflection process will help to improve the quality of life, week after week.
 
It's so simple, you could even start today! 

Try it for the next 3 weeks and let me know of the differences you notice.

Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy and celebration. But for many people, the holidays can also be stressful and anxiety-inducing. The good news is that there are plenty of things you can do to manage your holiday stress and anxiety, so it doesn't prevent you from enjoying yourself with family and friends! 

1. Keep Your Regular Routine

Holiday stress can take over your life pretty easily, and if you're not careful, it can send you into an anxiety spin as we set aside all the good habits and things we know are good for us, while making time for the increased work and social commitments.

Don't let the “busy” of the holidays season send you off-course though, your habits are what will keep you GROUNDED in the chaos. Keep up with your regular routine as much as possible.

If you're used to going for a walk or exercising a few times a week, find a way to protect that “you time” at all costs. We always have to say no to something, don’t let it be the things you fill your energy cup with.

And if you want to know how to stay feeling calm and more relaxed - on Christmas morning while everyone else sleeps in, get up early and go for a walk or run outside to clear your mind before the big day!

2. Practice Self-Care

When it comes to self-care, there's no one size fits all approach. Be kind to yourself and listen to your body. If your calendar looks manic with events, block at least 1 or 2 nights at home with NO plans so you can pre-plan some downtime (you’ll thank me for it later!).

Take time for yourself, eat well, and prioritise getting enough sleep—these things will help you feel more rested and energised during these hectic weeks leading up to end of year.

Self-care is also being aware of mentally what you are consuming. If you find yourself staying up late watching TV to “zone out” just do yourself a favour and GO TO BED. Sleep is so much better for you than Netflix.

Or if scrolling social media seeing everyone else’s perfectly curated Christmas tree’s and happy family snaps is making you anxious (or just plain sad and overwhelmed), consider taking a break socials.
Wouldn’t it be amazing to hit the finish line well rested and some mental capacity to enjoy the festivities?

3. Make a Plan and Stay Flexible

If you are a natural planner and organiser that’s great, my suggestion then is to stay flexible. Rigid black and white thinking and “only one way to do this” mentality has caused many a family argument during the holidays.

If you can be flexible in your approach to everything, then you will be less likely to get stressed out by the things that come up.

Aunty Janice could be right, she could well have the stuffing recipe out there – it doesn’t mean yours is any less - you of course could be right too. There are always multiple ways of doing a single thing.
The person with the most flexibility in this situation is going to be the master of their own emotions and have the most fun. Who wants to be held back in judgement about something a simple as a stuffing recipe?! Not me. Janice – do your thing.

4. Don't Be Afraid to Say "No"

You probably like to get involved in everything; you may even have FOMO at times when you don’t have a finger in every pie. But setting healthy boundaries for your time is VERY important at this time of year.

We do not want to take any held resentments into the new year! So, don't let others pressure you into doing things you don't want to do. It is not your job to be everywhere at once and make everyone happy. Saying no is necessary and healthy!

If you're feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday activities on your plate, then ask for help or simply decline an invitation altogether. It's okay, people can respect your decisions just as much as they expect others will respect theirs.

5. Delegate Like a Boss

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, then it’s time to delegate. You do not have to do it all. Remember the saying “Many hands make light work”. People also actually like to help and feel needed, so delegate. Get everyone involved so you don’t feel overburdened by the work that needs to get done.
 
Everyone knows you can do it all, but you may kill every last bit of energy you have in the process!  

6. Let it Be

If you find yourself stuck worrying and pre-empting about all the WHAT IFs of Christmas Day or holiday parties - who’s coming, whether everyone will get along, who will drink to much, or say too much, or start a difficult conversation. This thought process will only ever bring you stress and anxiety, as you cannot control the outcomes of other people.

Let it be. What is going to happen will happen, no matter whether you spend 25 days worrying about what will happen.

Instead, perhaps think about why you are spending time with the people who are important to you and what the highlights of this holiday season are going to be.

And make a game plan, if something does go pear shaped at any event you can take some time out for yourself—go for a walk or listen to some music to regroup.

7. Focus on Gratitude

One of the most effective ways to manage holiday anxiety is to focus on gratitude. By being grateful for what you already have, it helps your mind stay in the present moment instead of way out to far in the future stuck on worry.
​
You will start feeling less stressed about things that don't matter. Gratitude helps you appreciate the good things in your life, so it's a great way of getting into a more positive mindset.

Once you make it a habit, it'll become second nature and help you feel less stressed through any situation—even if something stressful does happen!

8. Know the Things You Can Control

You can control your energy level, how much sleep you get, what you are eating and drinking, your mindset, your time and your own personal happiness.
You cannot control anyone else, and you are also not 100% responsible for everyone else’s happiness.
When things seem out of control, reassess and reassure yourself that you are doing your best and that this is enough. If it turns out that something did not go perfectly, then accept it and release it!

9. Remember to Have Fun

Let the stress go and remember the holidays are for you to have fun too. Everything will get done that needs to get done. Connect, be present in the little moments and enjoy it. You deserve it, its been a big few years. What is it all for, if it’s not for having fun with the people we love?

10. Ask for Help  

Finally, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. If it’s not fun and everything is too much then please know you don’t have to go through this stress alone. Reach out to a friend, a family member or a professional for support. You deserve much love, peace and joy this time of year :)

Wishing you all the best
Janel Briggs

​​How often do you listen to the voice of your inner critic? Does the sound of this voice propel you forward in your work and life? OR does it hold you back?

What if I told you we have two voices within our mind available to us for counsel at any time. Your inner critic doesn’t have to be at the forefront running the show 24/7. You can learn to dial down that self-criticism and tap into the much quieter, more gentle voice.

The voice that often goes unnoticed, the voice of self-compassion.

Your inner critic is that annoying voice of negative criticism, that’s often playing on repeat.

If you are new to exploring your mind an how it operates, your inner critic is that voice that tells you (on loud speakers) that everything you do is wrong. It’s typically fuelled by fear and self-doubt, speaking in a berating and belittling tone of resounding “you are not good enough” dialogue.

It may tell you that other people are doing better than you, and that you can’t cope in difficult situations. It may bring up flash backs of painful memories of the past, and send warning bells of anxiety or blame you for things going wrong.

It may even tell you that you will never succeed, or that you are not worthy of the job, role or relationship that you are in. The inner critic can be very convincing and sometimes even convinces the most successful person to doubt themselves.

When you listen to this tone of negative commentary, you’re likely to beat yourself up over little mistakes and imperfections.

I have a client who is very successful in her career, but also highly critical of herself. Achievement’s do not come without excess stress as a perfectionist who is anxious about making mistakes and failing. Her inner critic says things like: "You better not mess this up, then people will know you're not good enough” and “what if you fail? People will think you don’t have the experience”. In reality, and on paper NONE of this is true. But when the inner critic is on loudspeaker the worry and angst causes sleepless nights and health concerns.

It's fuelled by fear and speaks in a berating and belittling tone of self-doubt.

Your inner critic main purpose is to keep you safe and help you understand what can be improved in the future. It is part of your mind’s self-protection system, fuelled at its core by fear and unresolved limiting beliefs. It may even be holding onto memories of moments in your life or childhood where you’ve experienced criticism or taken risks that perhaps didn’t pay off. The mind never forgets and as it takes everything personally it continues pre-empt events that may happen in the future that could be similar.

The inner critic says: “Don’t put yourself out there, remember what happened last time? That’s right, you were X (rejected/teased/laughed at/didn’t belong there)”.

Sometimes this self-protection can be helpful - it might be useful to have an internal dialogue of caution or offer suggestions for ways we could improve our work, decisions and/or mistakes. But where the inner critic becomes a problem is when it takes up most of our conscious thoughts and drives us to self-sabotaging behaviours where we avoid taking action altogether.

Your inner critic may be motivated by a fear of failure, rejection, or being judged.

Perhaps you've had experiences in the past where other people have treated you poorly or someone really criticised you which made you feel judged, and your self-belief plummeted.

Or, maybe in your family of origin failure wasn’t an option, winning and achieving was believed to be all that mattered so you thrived on this external validation.

Whatever the reason may be for this fear of being judged or rejected by others, remember that it's only happening inside your mind. Your thoughts and beliefs can be changed.

It might be helpful to ask yourself where this fear is coming from?

Despite what your inner critic may say about other people's opinion about who you are as a person, everyone has their own unique talents and abilities—and you have so much to offer this world!

It’s time to shut out your inner critic and tap into your voice of self-compassion.

When you notice your inner critic begin to ramp up, a really simple technique to practice is to catch the first negative thought you hear without acting on it. Then take a deep breath and quiet that noise by tapping in for a moment to become curious and ask yourself:

“What am I afraid of here? Is this a real fear or a perceived fear? What do I know to be true?”
Then listen for the voice of self-compassion. It will be a quieter voice, speaking softly with words of kindness, and acceptance.

“Compassion brings mental peace and mental comfort”
– HH Dalai Lama

Your voice of self-compassion could sound like:

• You’re doing ok
• You’ve got plenty of time, why not give it another attempt
• Accept that sometimes things don’t go to plan, and that is ok
• You can do this; you’ve done it before
• Everything will work out, it always does
• You’ve got this

Leading with self-compassion means that when we fail, make a mistake, or mess up we instead give ourselves understanding, encouragement and support, rather than harsh judgement.

You’ll then begin to have a completely different experience and a less stress fuelled outcome as higher levels of self-compassion are linked to decreased feelings of anxiety and depression.
​
Here are some things you can do to silence your inner critic to hear the voice of self-compassion:
​

1. Recognise when the voice of your inner critic is speaking. Awareness is always the first step to change. If you notice yourself getting overwhelmed by negative thoughts and feelings, then stop and refocus on what's happening around you.
2. Identify your triggers. When does your inner critic speak loudest? Get to know the circumstances of when your inner critic is attempting to get your attention the most.
3. Call out the fear. Become curious and ask yourself what is causing me to feel this way? Am I scared of being judged, criticised, or rejected? Am I worried about failing? Realistically how likely is that to happen?
4. Call in the voice of self-compassion. What would you say to your best friend or a person you care about in this moment? Would you be critical, or would you be encouraging? How can you be more accepting and encourage yourself in this moment?

 
So, the next time you hear that voice telling you to give up, or not even try because you’re not good enough or you might fail – remember that you don't have to listen to that critical voice anymore!

Instead, take a moment to pause, breathe and ask yourself which voice is talking? Always choose the voice of self-compassion.

​Is your best work, or your next career move being robbed by fear and self-doubt? Have you ever felt like you aren’t capable, or haven’t earned the right to be in the position you are in? Do you worry about whether you are good enough?

In the current business environment where supply chains are strained, inflationary pressures are present and many businesses are going through some sort of change and/or transformation, the need for new thinking and ideas is vital.

These challenges can present a fantastic opportunity to show entrepreneurial spirit to solve today’s problems and make a difference. However, the current environment may also be creating additional stress and anxiety due to uncertainty, and the prevalence of burnout and imposter syndrome.

A recent global study conducted by Asana, for the 2022 Anatomy of Work report, surveyed over 10,000 employees to learn what’s working and what’s not in organisations.

According to this research nearly two-thirds (62%) of knowledge workers worldwide reported experiencing imposter syndrome in the last year, with 42% of employees experiencing both burnout and imposter syndrome at the same time.

Imposter syndrome refers to an intense feeling of fraudulence when you doubt your abilities, accomplishments, or skills. The mind often fearing a moment when someone is going to call you out, realise you shouldn’t be there, or you’re not capable for the role.

Even the highest of achievers and most confident and intelligent people can feel this way. It’s not defined by age, gender, or experience level.

KPMG Women’s Leadership Summit Report found that as many as 75% of executive women report to having personally experienced Imposter Syndrome at certain points in their career. The study also discovered that 56% have been afraid the people around them will not believe they are as capable as expected.

Why is this phenomenon so widespread?

If we look at the global external environment since 2020, we’ve spent over 2 years surviving a pandemic, isolating, and pivoting to work from home environments.

Asana’s report found that almost one quarter of workers experienced burnout four or more times in the last year, and 40% of all workers think burnout is an inevitable part of success.

Overwhelm from job uncertainty, increased workloads, and an experience of higher levels of anxiety due to the pandemic coupled with current inflation rates all impacting our daily lives.

With a lack of connection to the workplace there are less opportunities to receive face to face feedback, read body language cues, and have open conversations to discuss challenges outside the zoom room.

The mind can potentially have a field day analysing, overthinking, and rehashing every conversation and scenario of the workday.

“Did I do enough? Was it good enough? What if I wasn’t on point? What will they think of me? Why was I not invited to that meeting? What if I don’t have the capabilities anymore? Will I lose my job?”

The mind is a powerful tool but in some cases self-doubt and fear breed without external validation and connection.

“With fewer opportunities to connect and celebrate success, remote work is intensifying impostor syndrome. Organizations should ensure that work is still being recognized and championed in remote environments on a daily basis, and that new hires have support structures in place to instil confidence.” —DR. SAHAR YOUSEF, COGNITIVE NEUROSCIENTIST, UC BERKELEY (Source Asana)
 
Imposter syndrome is not incurable; you can become fearless by learning how to cultivate a growth mindset shifting your thinking when flooded with fear-based thoughts and feelings of incompetence. Coaching and training have been found to be two positive solutions to overcoming this fear.

In a study done to evaluate the effectiveness of interventions for reducing the imposter phenomenon results reveal that coaching was an effective mindset intervention for sustainably reducing imposter phenomenon scores. Coaching improved self-enhancing attributions and self-efficacy and reduced the tendency to cover up errors as well as the fear of negative evaluation. Training was superior in regard to knowledge acquisition. (Zanchetta et al. 2020).

Becoming fearless first begins with acknowledging when imposter feelings show up, then refraining from allowing the fears to hold you back or derail you from taking action.

Here are 4 steps to guide you when facing imposter syndrome:

  1. Recognise when the feelings arise, awareness always proceeds change.  

  2. Identify the specific fear or doubt you are feeling. 

  “What specifically am I afraid of here?” or
  “What is causing me to feel this way?”

  3. Review the facts; feelings are not facts.

  “When did I decide that I am not capable of (X)” or
  “Where is the proof this person thinks (X) about me?”

  4. Reframe the thought process, using the power of positive language.  

• I am capable of producing great outcomes
• I have the skill and attributes to succeed in this role
• I am experienced and worthy of my success
• I belong here I am accepted for my talents
• My work is valued I deserve this praise
• I am good enough

It can be very unsettling to discover that you’re experiencing imposter syndrome. Given the stigma around this topic, many people might feel like they just have to push through and suffer in silence. You don’t, and the real story is in how you face the fear to rebuild your self-belief. Connection and opening conversations at work are also key. You might even be surprised when you share your experience and people understand exactly what you are going through.

Don’t let fear hold you back from your dreams and goals.

Schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about what I can do for you, and how mindset coaching can help you, to overcome imposter syndrome.

JB.